Sagebrush and Serendipity

Antsy

2012-01-12T11:10:00.004-07:00

I am starting to feel very, very ANTSY.

I feel like I am about to burst or something. Do you ever feel this way? It is as if The Universe is urging me, through some strange Spiritual Barometric Pressure, to get my butt in gear and start actively shaping my life.

I have been coasting, now, for quite a while. Since finally finishing The Masters, I have simply sat back and enjoyed the ride. For perhaps too long. I do not regret taking this time to chill the fuck out. The constant pressure of having The Masters hanging over my head -- and knowing I was doing it to myself, thus creating a fantastic emotional spiral of shit -- took a huge toll on me. I needed to give myself a break. I needed to heal. To unlearn the process of constantly berating myself for being such a failure. Remember how to ignore That Voice. To gain a new perspective and forgive myself.

However, it is time to put myself out there. I am beginning to feel the atrophy of My Person.

It is time to start painting again, and not worry about the result. Just paint. The doing. The result is NEVER what I expect (or want, truthfully) so why worry about it?

In fact, what I am most excited about right now is finding my style. You would think that I was doing this while earning my BFA. No, no. Instead of trusting myself and accepting what my art was, I fretted and stewed. I constantly compared my work to everyone else's, and thus, learned to hate my own creations. (Yes, there will be many therapy hours devoted just to this crap.) (Also, it did not help that there was a gaggle of male painters who sort of fancied themselves as the next group of Pollock*, Calder, and de Kooning American Male Geniuses.** (BARF.) And the faculty all fell for it. It kind of sucked to be a girl in my program at the time.)

I have been drafting an email that I want to send to Black Sheeped, my friends W. and KNC, and an amazing artist just down the road from me that I discovered through Google+. I am going to ask them if they have any suggestions of exercises and advice for me as I embark on this discovery. So far, my plan is to just DRAW EVERYDAY for 30 minutes. And keep drawing. And drawing. With different materials.

I am just going to focus on this for a while.

It is also time to put in a serious and diligent effort into finding a new job. A. is miserable where he is and job hunting has really kicked the shit out of him. If I can find something in a new location, we can move and that would do him a world of good.

I do not feel pressure or even responsibility to find a new job to help A. feel better. I just want to. We talk about this a lot. As far as I am concerned, it is just another manifestation of how I am loving him right now, if that makes sense.

Besides, I am coasting an a nice, even plateau at work, and nothing sends me spiraling into boredom (and less productivity) than a plateau. It is time to move on.

So - wahoo! I am back at the wheel!

* Jackson Pollock was born in Wyoming! Connections to Wyoming never cease to make me proud.

** I am always bitter that more women aren't recognized in art history, or are recognized with the requisite preface or "woman." Just like someone is "adopted" or "black." Can't we just be human first? Sometimes those distinctions are necessary, but lately I feel like they just serve to further keep up divisional borders. ANYWAY.

Here. Stare at my face!

2011-12-14T12:25:00.002-07:00

Not really. I am not posting a picture of my face here. But, I would like your input on a project I have bouncing around my head.

Like many of you, I am sure, I have hundreds of pictures of friends and family. They are stored on my computer, my back up drive, my phone. It is great that we can catch just about any event in our lives, both ordinary and special.

I never look at these pictures. And if I thought to, the last thing I would want to do is park my butt in front of a computer or squint on a tiny phone screen in order to take a trip down memory lane. I never see the faces of the people I share my life with and I am not reminded of the goofy situations or fun trips captured in those digital tidbits.

I, personally, would love to have little albums - actual, physical albums - chronicling each year.

It is so! revolutionary! It is like a photo album or something.

I bring this up because I am really considering sending out a small, annual photo book to family and a few friends. I imagine these little codices as a picture-book-holiday-letter. I would carefully select the photos and keep it to a small, tasteful size so that it can easily be stored in the bookshelf.

I swear I would make these little guys ABRIDGED versions of our year.

Is that a weird gift? Does it seem - pushy? Conceited? All, "Hi! I am assuming you would like the opportunity to look at my likeness on paper! And have said likeness occupy space in your home! Here you go!"

Originally I was thinking of doing annual photo books of my little family (A., Buster, Belle and myself) and our year, so that we always have something to look back on. Because, come on. I am NEVER going to print off a bunch of pictures and make a traditional photo album. EVER. But, I'd like to have an annual catalog of our years together.

Then, I thought, that seems like a nice thing to share with family. (I would love books like these from family and close friends! HINT, HINT.)

What do you think? Would you want a photo book from a family member or close friend each year? Or would you groan and then be filled with anxiety/guilt about whether to keep it or toss it?

Friday Five

2011-12-02T10:13:00.001-07:00

1.
I spent a weekend in Hermann, Missouri a few weeks ago to attend a wedding. I ran around with the bride throughout college, then again for four years in Washington, DC, and AGAIN in my current location. So, not only was it super fun to be at her wedding, it was like a mini reunion with friends from college and DC. You guys. I had SO. MUCH. FUN.

Hermann is a positively delightful little place, by the way. It was purposefully settled by Germans and turned into wine country. No, really.

I can't say I'd recommend every wine produced in the region, but I wholeheartedly endorse the 2007 Norton by Hermannhof Vineyards. It is not too dry and is spicy. Love it. In fact, I liked it so much that I checked my carry-on bag so as to bring a bottle home with me. (They don't ship to Wyoming.) It became a rather expensive bottle of wine in my case, but is otherwise modestly priced.

It was fun to run around wine-tasting and socializing and dancing. It was a nice change from ice-fishing, and even fly fishing. I need both types of cultural experiences in my life.

2.
Boy, I miss having close friends near by. Everyone I am close with lives between 600 and 2,000 miles away.It is so different to share the trivial moments of daily life with people you are close to than with acquaintances.

How the hell do you make friends as an adult without coming across as CREEPY and DESPERATE?

Am I just a sorry case?

3.
Things have been busy and hectic. A. and I bought a new (used) truck. It is awesome and pretty and it is not falling apart. We had to control ourselves during test drives, so as not to blurt out, "This is cool! It rides so smooth! You don't We were planning on this purchase happening in the spring, but we got a gentle nudge from our old pick up:

Happily, no one was hurt when that wheel took off on its own. My stepmom was delighted in the fact that we "drove the truck until the wheels came off!"

Indeed, we did.

4.
I am itching to knit. The weather is coooold and another storm is moving in. It seems the perfect time to snuggle up in the rocking chair with a bunch of soft yarn in my hands.

Knitters - what are you working on? I am going to make some leg warmers for a friend's granddaughter, and then I am open to anything. Suggestions? I am actually anxious to knit on some single pointed needles. Every project I've done so far has involved 4 or 5 double-pointed needles. I am not in the mood to wrestle with a pointy, kraken-like object.

5.
I broke down. I renewed my contract with Overcharging National Wireless Provider and got myself an iPhone.

This is one of the most exorbitant purchases I've ever made. I had it all planned out - I was going to dump Overcharging National Wireless Provider and save $35 a month.

But then I saw how stinkin' fun it can be to use an iPhone for all sorts of things while in Missouri with everyone. I made up my mind then and there.

And it is pretty damn fun. Although, Jess is KICKING MY ASS at Words With Friends.

Friday Five

2011-10-07T12:27:00.001-06:00

1.
Buster is consistently doing "fake jumps" before he finally jumps up onto the bed in the morning. These scrambly, hoppy acrobatics are like false starts, like he has to convince himself he can do it or he is warming up his hips or something.

It is breaking my heart.

I find myself thinking about when it is time to give that ultimate gift: mercy. To let the dogs go when they are old and in pain. I am so afraid this is coming soon.

I can't believe how hard this has been on me, actually. I guess the last time I had a dog put down I was a kid. I cried for days. But I was crying for a loss. Now, I am crying from carrying that wonderful burden I took up when I decided to care for these creatures. It is an awesome, horrible thing.

2.
This morning, as I was driving into town, I thought to myself, "Oh! I bet it will be easy to get parking space today. I am sure a bunch of folks are taking off to go hunting."

I was right. Delightful!

It struck me, as I parked in my easily-found space, how different regions of this country are so very unique in the patterns of the everyday minutiae. Indeed, it is everyday life that jolts me the most deeply. It makes the big, obvious differences between the western Rockie region and DC seem like exibitionistic performances. A staged play that we are all in on. But the everyday moments demonstrate how totally different it is to live in the Rocky Mountain West from the East Coast, and especially DC.

I am grateful. I clearly took living out here, in this way, for granted before I moved to DC. Now I get to delight in it. I was able to revel in the differences while living in DC, but it was DC that shook me. Now it is the West's turn to speak up and demand my attention.

3.
Winter is rapidly approaching. This weekend we are supposed to have super crappy weather: wind, rain and snow. Gross. But we've had a bit of a discernable fall, so I will try not to complain too much.

4.
Although I am not looking forward to EIGHT MONTHS of winter, I have kind of enjoyed the winter preparation activities. Draining and rolling up the hoses, moving the patio furniture to the shed, getting the windows and doors ready. It feels a bit like some kind of ritual to recognize and usher in winter.

5.
I am planning all sorts of indoor projects, too. I am going to try and sew some totes for our camping chairs. Start baking bread again. Knit something and FINISH it. I would love to knit a few baby blankets, but that may be setting an "unrealistic goal."

How are you all? How has autumn been treating you?

Happy Friday!

What If

2011-09-20T11:15:00.000-06:00

Last night, as I was drifting off to sleep, I wondered what my life would be now if I'd decided to wait just a bit longer to leave DC and move to Wyoming. What if I'd put grad school off for one more year?

Maybe I would have dated that cutie pie named Derek. I met him at a post-kickball gathering at The Irish Times. I think we were both wearing our "umpire" red t-shirts that night. Yes, I think that is why we started talking. He was sweet. He lived in Maryland. He traveled to Baghdad frequently for work. He was a Republican. But he sure seemed nice. I met him a month before I moved.

Maybe I would have traveled to one more country before being land-locked. (Flying from Denver is SO. MUCH. MORE. EXPENSIVE. than traveling from the East Coast!) Maybe I would have finally gone to Turkey. Or Morocco.

Maybe I would have continued sinking further into my dysthymia depression. Somehow, I think that living alone in that city with this illness would have turned out much, much worse for me. I wonder how depressed I would have become. I wonder if I would have had someone there to tell me to get help. I think there are a couple of people who would have, if I gave them the opportunity. But it was so much easier to hide in the city. I am afraid I would have just hid from everyone and slowly faded away into something grey.

+++

As it turns out, I met an incredibly genuine and honest man who has never traveled to Baghdad. A. doesn't just seem sweet, he is sweet. He is a Socialist. I met a man who taught me how to fish and who wakes me up with turkey calls. I met the right man. I met my companion for this life.

I have seen so much of the Rocky Mountain West in the past six years. It has done my soul good to be in the mountains regularly. I love being in the water; standing in a mountain stream is a true joy and seems to remind me of my connection to the Divine. It has been a pleasure to get to know the valleys and creeks and critters. To get to know the rhythms and patterns of the natural world. To know a place intimately, rather than just flirt with it for a few days. (Though flirting is fun and I will never turn down a trip!)

I have been gently led to my path of sanity, led back to my right mind.

+++

I am so thankful I had the guts to leave DC in 2004.

Skiing

2011-09-06T15:34:00.002-06:00

The week spent fly fishing was so, so wonderful. The area in which we fish every year is one of my most favorite places on this earth.

The trip was also quite therapeutic. I did not think I was overly stressed out, but judging by just how damn good I felt when we returned home, I must have been wound pretty tight.

It was great to just hang out with A. Usually, our friend MG joins us, but was unable to make the trip this year. I felt so content just hanging out, fishing, cooking over a campfire, etc. We were able to enjoy each other and spend our days and evenings however we wanted.

As usual, I fell even more in love with A.

AWWWWWW. I know. I will shut up now.

About that.

There was a morning that I positively wanted to maim A. Oh, yes. Or at least throw him down the damn mountain we "walked" along.

An unending stream of perfectly articulated variations on the "Come to Jesus" theme ran through my head as I bumbled my way across TWO hills and down a goddamn mountain. (I swear it was a MOUNTAIN.) No, no, this is not a usual state of affairs between A. and I. No, this ugly tirade fills my brain whenever A. wants to "walk" (i.e. hike, climb, FALL) to a fishing spot that is promised to be "just over this hill" (over the hill beyond the hill we are already standing on plus another hill we can't see yet).

Hmft.

HA HA HA HA. I loooooove this. In river sandals. It is my favorite outdoor activity!

(I admit that I am really an asshole about this. I don't say any of this out loud to A., and I think I did a better-than-average job of keeping my attitude in check.)

You guys. I wish I would have stopped to take a picture of the absurdity I went through to get to this particular stretch of river. Never mind that I caught a 15-inch cutthroat trout. (That was fun.)

I skied down the mountain. Yes. Skied. I am positive the decline was at 45 degrees or higher. It was INSANE. Well, for me it was. A. only grumbled a couple of times and that was usually in response to my melodramatic grunts from Extraordinary and Ridiculously Superhuman Feats of Mountain-side Gymnastics.

Much of the mountain side was covered in dense vegetation, lots of aspens, pines, and other Sturdy Mountain Plants. I basically just let myself flail downward, sticking a foot in front of me and hands raised in front of my face to keep from getting whipped by all the plants. I was simply propelled by gravity. It was useless for me to really get any kind of footing. I was wearing my Chaco river sandals (kind of bendy, and I was hurting the hell out of my toes) and couldn't see the ground regardless. So, I just slid along the shrubbery and trees in front of me, grabbing hold of Sturdy Mountain Plants to stop my fall.

I was being utterly ridiculous, but it worked. I made it down the MOUNTAIN.

I will let you imagine how fun that was. Oh, also: I had to keep up with A. who was Moving Ahead with Purpose. You know, way too damn fast for my bumbling idiot self.

Good times!

This really was the least steep and vegetated section of the MOUNTAIN side in which to travel. Half of my whimpering may have included the phrase (with variation), " I cannot fucking believe we have to go BACK UP THIS later."

Yeah, I was a real treat to be around that morning.

Don't get me wrong. I genuinely hated that half hour or so. But otherwise? It was heaven.

And I am genuinely glad I was there with A. He was thoughtful enough to scout out a much less steep area upstream for us to climb back up at the end of the day. Maybe next time I can try not to be such a brat.

Friday Five

2011-08-19T11:20:00.001-06:00

1.
A. and I are packing and planning for our 3rd Annual Western Wyoming Fly Fishing Trip. I am pumped.

We both managed to take an entire week off of work so we can really just get away. Our friend, MG, who normally joins us for this trip is unable to make it this year. I am sad he won't be there, but it will be really nice for A. and I too have this little getaway for just the two of us.

I love, love, love this part of the country that we will be in. It is so gorgeous. We will be high in the mountains. I don't feel claustrophobic in the mountains, even when we fish our way up a narrow canyon. I wonder why that is? When we stopped and wandered around the Salt Flats, however, I felt weird as fuck.

2.
Last night A. and I were watching the third Pirates of the Carribean while planning our trip. Maybe that weird sequence in Davy Jones' Locker contributed to my unease at the Salt Flats?

3.
I am a bit stressed about work. I am really, really busy and this trip is poor timing. Or great timing, as it gets me away from my desk and out in the real world for a bit. Regardless, I am shutting down at 5:00 p.m. on the dot.

4.
I finally met my best friend's baby daughter this week. You guys! It is a wee JelBel! I just fell so, so very in love with her. I am so sad they live in D.C.

5.
What are your plans for the weekend?

Happy Friday to you!

Sugar and Cream?

2011-08-16T09:29:00.001-06:00

It was nice to see family last week. I am quite sure that the reality of Noni's passing has not hit me yet.

++++

I get to meet my best friend's baby daughter for the first time tonight.

++++

Things even out in the best way, don't you think?

++++

I drank my coffee black this morning as I forgot to buy half-and-half at the store last night. I am not minding this.

Are you a coffee drinker? How do you take yours?

Rich

2011-08-10T15:31:00.003-06:00

Life has been full the past few months.

++++

The fullness and richness of life is especially apparent to me this week. Monday we lost Noni, our grandmother. She had been in the hospital for some time, and her passing is ultimately a blessing. However, it does not make it hurt less to say goodbye.

Noni is part of a pair: Noni and Popi. I am so sad for Popi. They were just short of their 61st wedding anniversary.

She was a fantastic quilter. She is actually my step-grandmother, but truly I make no distinction. I only mention it because of my favorite quilt from her. Noni made nine quilts for all of her grandchildren for our first Christmas together as a blended family. My sisters and I all received one.

++++

There is a young man who is frequently in front of a building at my workplace. He is always trying to flip his skateboard and land on it. I do not know the name of the maneuver. it is a pretty basic one and probably has a name.

He has been at this for months. I have yet to see him succeed.

And yet, he is there, out in a very public place, trying and trying again. Usually around the noon hour when there is plenty of people around.

He inspires me. It is time to put myself out there.

++++

I am going to start applying to jobs I want, not just that I think I am qualified for. I am going to apply for a position in particular that kind of terrifies me, but would also be a dream come true.

I am going to start painting again, and show my work. I will not hide it in a closet.

++++

How are you all? I have missed you.

Friday Five

2011-07-01T13:23:00.001-06:00

Last weekend, A. and I worked on the little brick patio we are putting in the front yard to accommodate a small fire pit.

I learned I hate any kind of DIY-project related to home maintenance. I would love to spend my time and money on just about anything else. Removing an old washer and installing a new one? Positively a pain in the ass. Painting? Painting? Quite possibly the worst way to spend one's time. Yard work? For the love, I'd rather work on the household budget. Which is, you know, icky.

Seems, for me, that household cleaning has become a permanent item on that list of hated past-times. I cannot, for the life of me, work up the energy to give a shit about cleaning the house. I want the house to be clean, I just don't want to do it. I would much rather read. I really need to do something about this. Tips? What motivates you to lift yourself out of a state of filth? Christ.

It is not that A. is not willing to help. In fact, if it weren't' for him, we truly would be buried in dirty clothes and dishes. And that isn't fair.

I don't think this total apathy toward my household is depression related. I think I am just being a lazy turd.

3.
However, in a total contradiction, I really enjoy doing the maintenance stuff on my car myself. Perhaps this is because I know I am saving myself a few hundred dollars. Before our recent trip to California, I changed my own spark plugs, checked and maintained all fluids, replaced my air filter and cabin air filter. (A. helped me.) I also rooted around and checked all my hoses and belts. Take that, dealer mechanic! I am using you for your lift, bud, and that is it. In fact, I am planning on flushing and replacing the transmission and radiator fluids myself. I bought a copy of the Haynes auto manual that shows how to do everything to maintain and repair the car. My dad always had these manuals for his trucks, and boy they are awesome. I've been reading it as a recreational book, for Pete's sake.

I should be honest. The savings are only part of why I don't mind putting my time into maintaining my car. The smug sense of virtue I get wrapped up in also has something to do with it. My goal is to own this car FOREVER. Well, at least for 300,000 miles or 15 years. I've owned it for about 5 years and already have 103,000 miles on it. I get pretty full of myself when working toward this goal. I will not be caught up in ridiculous, wasteful, unnecessary consumerism. No way. I am way too smart and disciplined for that, yes siree. I will be resourceful and responsible and frugal.

Feel free to slap me.

4.
Both A. and I are job-hunting with renewed vigor, now that I don't have the masters hanging over me. Boy, talk about activities that suck up time and totally suck. Any tips and words of encouragement would sure be appreciated. Job hunting is totally demeaning.

5.
We are headed up to A.'s folks' place in northern Wyoming for a family reunion-y gathering. All aunts and uncles and nearly all cousins on his mom's side will be there, about 30 people. We will be camping on their large lawn. I am really excited to see everyone. It should be fun. I hope the dogs don't lose their shit with all the people and kids. They may have to hang out in our tent more than they'd like.

Happy Friday, and Happy 4th!

Sleep

2011-06-27T12:41:00.000-06:00

The other night, I dreamt that we had to put Buster to sleep. I do not remember any specifics, only his big brown eyes, a cold linoleum floor and the crushing heartbreak.

Both Buster and Belle have many happy, comfortable years in front of them. Yet, I have not been able to shake that heartbreak. No really.

Do you ever experience lingering fear/sadness/vague offness from a dream? When this happens to me, it tends to color everything a hazy gray for a day or two. Sometimes, if the dream is scary I will feel slightly wound up and fearful for a few days. Tell me, have you ever had this happen to you?

This has been especially acute since going on Crazy Meds. It is certainly not enough of a pain for me to consider getting off meds, but damn. Sometimes it sucks. If it keeps up, I am scheduling an appointment with my therapist. I want to make sure this is not Crazy showing up in a different pair of pants.

On the other hand, I tend to carry the happiness of a fortunate dream with me, too.

Friday Five

2011-06-10T13:05:00.068-06:00

Hello? Hi.

Since defending, I have not done much other than stuff as much goofy, lighthearted fiction through my eyeballs as possible.

Free time is AWESOME.

++++

1.
A. and I have been on the road sooooo much already this summer. This is our first weekend home in...just over a month?

A couple of weeks ago we spent the weekend in Denver with A.'s folks, siblings and kids. For our birthdays, his folks bought us tickets to the Rockies-Cardinals series and we went as a family. It was so, so fun. Plus, we got to see all the nieces and nephews on his side of the family. They are growing like weeds!

(Jess - sorry we didn't call. The weekend was crazy packed with so many people, and it was like herding cats. I didn't think I could handle another obligation. We will see each other soon, I promise! I need to meet Callum!)

Last weekend we traveled to my sister's to meet my brand new niece!!!! New Niece was only two weeks old and just an awesome bug of a person. So snugly and ridiculous. New Big Brother was a stinkin' adorable as ever and seems to be handling the changes ok for now.

My family on my mom's side were all gathering in the same city that weekend. I got to see my favorite aunt and uncle and all my cousins. It was a really fun weekend.

It has been so great seeing so much family! I really wish we all lived closer together.

And we are on the road again next week for a 28-hour round-trip to California. A.'s friend is getting married in Sacramento, and my babe is in the wedding. I have to admit, I am pretty excited to see him in a tux.

Plus, I need to get myself a ticket to DC as soon as possible. My best friend, Jel-Bel, had her first baby a week ago!! Lil' V arrived perfect as can be.

While I am excited to meet Lil' V, I am even more anxious to see Jel-Bel. I am having a really hard time being separated from her while she transitions into this new life. We've done so much together that I can't believe I wasn't there to welcome her into motherhood. I mean, that is sacred, as far as I am concerned.

Speaking of which, I am not quite as confused about Baby or No Baby, but it is still on my mind. When I held my niece, I was not overcome with longing. I did not need to breathe her in. I was delighted by her, and couldn't get over her tiny ears, and am so, so happy for my sister. But...yeah. No "I MUST HAVE A BABY" episodes.

So, still confused. And getting older my the day. What bullshit.

3.
Our trips have not been dog-friendly, so the mutts have been in jail quite often. I never know at which kennel to board them.

Kennel A is our vet. I love our vet, she is pretty awesome with our dogs and readily recommended accupuncture for Buster. Meaning, she recommended services from another vet in which she will make no money. Not to mention that she is recommending an entirely different sort of treatment. I like her a lot. Also, these kennels have connected outdoor dog runs, so the pups can be outside as much as they want, which they prefer.

Kennel B is a really nice, new facility. It is also connected to a great vet practice, but the kennel section was specifically built to be a large kennel service. The staff are great with the dogs, and the dogs come back in the same state of anxiety as they do the other kennel. (They freak out when we leave, but settle in. Then they act like spazoids when we pick them up. It is kind of embarassing.) They get taken on three walks a day at Kennel B, but do not have access to a dog run.

The dogs come home smelling like a kennel when they stay at Kennel A, but do not stink when at Kennel B.

It also seems that the last two times they've been at Kennel A that they have come home with kennel cough (even though they are inoculated).

I am leaning toward Kennel B, even if they don't have a dog run.

Thoughts? Remember, these are my babies.

We had Mountain Bluebirds nesting in our box again! And again, The Asshole Sparrows kicked them out. They tossed their eggs to the ground.

I was so sad. Furious.

Is there ANY WAY at all to deter sparrows?

I am so fed up with this little shits that I DID NOT shoo-away a neighbor's cat when he came lurking. I looked the other way. I never do that.

I am going to make some meals and snacks to take with us on our trip to California. I am going to make homemade Chex Mix, popcorn popped with only oil infused with chilies (that way it stays crisp), and perhaps homemade granola bars. I will bring some cherries, grapes, strawberries, cherry tomatoes, baby carrots, and string cheese.

I would like to have healthy foods available, both for health and budget. I feel so horrible by the end of most road trips, thanks to all the soda and crap food. I only eat this way on trips. With as much as we are traveling this summer, this baloney has to stop.

Do you have any other suggestions? I would love to hear them!

Happy Friday to you!

Friday Five

2011-04-29T13:51:00.000-06:00

1. Buster was running around and playing hard with Belle yesterday morning. They wrestle and tussle and run. This is normal.

Last night he was walking funny. He would do his walk-around-to-get-the-bugs-out-of-my-den thing but would not lay down. He didn't jump up on the couch, he old-man creeped up on it.

This morning, he did not jump on the bed to join us as he does every morning at 5:30 a.m. sharp. A. scooped him up to put him on the bed and he yelped and was super anxious. (he is a 55-pound dog, so it was some serious scooping.)

He did jump off the bed quite happily when A. shook his food bowl for breakfast, however.

But he is still walking funny. Once he gets laid down he doesn't get back up. Something is really wrong with either a back leg or his back. I am convinced his back is broken somehow.

We have a vet appointment at 3:40 p.m. I am heartbroken that my baby is in pain.

2. So, yeah. I defended my non-thesis paper and research (still bitter) and am done! (Almost - I have about an hour's worth of revisions to the paper and then re-submit it to my chair. I also have two more books to read and discuss by Monday for my independent study. But this is a piece of cake.)

I gave a really horrible presentation; I am soooooo bad at presentations. I get ridiculously nervous. I act okay during the presentation, but my brain just stops and I don't remember nearly anything I am supposed to mention. Horrible. I had some pretty interesting stuff to share, but of course shared the obvious and boring shit instead. Even with note card cues. Gah. But everyone liked my slides, so, eh, that is a plus.

But the private defense with my committee went much better. They gave me two hard questions and then it turned into a really fun nerd bull session. (One question was from the committee member outside my department, and DAMN. It was difficult.)

3. My two favorite things about this whole defense bullshit:

a) My committee member from outside my department told me she loved reading my paper and that I opened up the spaces I was discussing to her in a way she had never experienced before. She told me she learned something.

That right there made it worth it.

She is no lightweight, either. She is one of the most genuine people I know, and was very involved with my research all along the way. During the defense, she asked me how to describe my understanding of space via postmodernist perspectives to an essentialist. Ha, ha, ha, ha. That was no cakewalk, at least not for me.

b) My second committee member, who is from my department, saw me the next day as said, "Yeah. I really enjoyed the conversation yesterday. I am still thinking about it."

AWESOME.

4. So, apparently I am not as stupid as I have convinced myself. Grad school + Depression really does a number on one's confidence as a scholar. Gah.

5. THANK YOU for letting me freak out and get angry and scared and excited and everything else. Thanks for reading and supporting me. You all were important to my completing this thing, whether you think so or not.

Happy Friday to you!

Master

2011-04-27T21:04:00.002-06:00

I presented my research and defended today. I have been deemed fit to be a Master of American Studies.

++++

I have been so fortunate to have incredible support down this long and convoluted road. You guys have been no small part in the network of caring that helped me do this.

Thank you.

Artemisia

Laptops are kind of awesome.

2011-04-18T20:59:00.000-06:00

So. I turned in the last of my three exam essays last night. I might have written that last essay on a laptop sprawled out in front of the TV, watching the Rockies play the Cubs.

Happily, that was probably totally appropriate. American Studies is fantastic that way - as theory-laden as you can make it (if you want), it is still an act of creative exploration.

Throughout this hell, I've come to remember why I entered this program to begin with. American Studies really is a kick ass field.

++++

I am trying to wrap up my final revisions to my paper so I can toss it to my committee and fly to DC on Thursday with only my defense (ONLY!?!) and presentation hanging over me. Sweet jeezuz, this is kicking my ass.

++++

How are you? What else is going on in the world? I cannot wait to rejoin you all.

Acknowledgements

2011-04-12T14:55:00.002-06:00

Would it be tacky to include Lexapro in my Acknowledgements section?

Because holy hell, I would not make it through the next three weeks without it.

Friday Five

2011-04-08T12:56:00.002-06:00

ONE.
I turned my paper in to "Advisor" earlier this week. He actually read it and sent me feedback within three days. THREE DAYS. Usually I am pumped if I get and recognition of my work within three weeks! And good news: I have some changes to make but they don't seem unreasonable or impossible. My committee should have my paper next week!

TWO.
APRIL. Sweet Jesus.

April 8 - 14:

Finish paper, send to committee

Finish all University Bullshit Paperwork to graduate

Finish reading books and articles from my Reading List (about 8 items out of 30 at this point)

Try to finagle two or three days off form work to prepare for...

April 15 -17:

My exam! I will get six questions, two from each member of my committee. The questions are based on my reading list. I have to write three essays in response to three of the questions (my choice) over three days.

April 19 - 20:

Out of town for Spring meeting for work

April 21 - 25:

Washington, DC!!!!!

Also, will have to work on presentation for Master's (bummer)

Sometime April 26 - 29:

Present and defend my paper and essay questions.

April 30

Drink heavily

May 7:

GRADUATE.

Oh. My. God.

THREE.

How the fuck this paper is not A Thesis I do not know. It features primary research. It is just re-arranged in "article" format rather than chapter format.

FOUR.

I shall stop wondering why this is not A Thesis. It is making me bitter.

FIVE.

I dreamt the other night that I WAS KATE MIDDLETON.

W.T.F.?!?!

Yes, I may have purchased the issue of Life about William and Kate. But I really do not think I am obsessing over The Royal Wedding.

How embarrassing.

How does your April look?

Happy Friday to you!

Jerked Around

2011-04-04T10:31:00.000-06:00

I finally realized just how much I have to accomplish before the first week of May. Actually, the last week of April. Also, I am traveling or in day-long meetings for 13 of the 30 days in April. Needless to say, I am obsessing about finding every possible usable moment in my day. It makes for an anxious time.

FUCK.

The writing is going very well and is nearly finished. I have yet to set up my exam, but that shouldn't be a problem. My main hurdle with the exam is I still have about 12 articles to read. Again, doable but oh my goodness.

Oh, and there is that tiny matter of my Independent Study. I've kept up with the reading quite well, but am not sure if I incorporated enough of it into my paper to constitute not having to write a separate paper. Please let our significant (and brilliant!) chat-age about the reading be enough to satisfy Dr. J's requirements. PLEASE.

++++

Saturday was windy as all hell but we reached 70 degrees ABOVE zero! There was jubilation! Dancing! Delighted prancing in the front yard that is finally clear of snow!

Sunday I woke up to about four inches of heavy, wet snow. It continued to snow throughout the day.

It was 8 degrees (ABOVE ZERO!) when I left the house this morning.

Enough said.

++++

I am so very ready for summer, for baseball, for fly fishing, and nothing else.

Friday Five

2011-03-18T13:02:00.000-06:00

1. This giving up added sugar thing is HARD. Sugar is everywhere! I really could not tolerate black coffee so I have been using xylitol to sweeten it. The word sounds so scientific and man-made, and yet it is totally natural. And it doesn't leave a weird aftertaste like stevia. And since it does not require insulin to be digested, I am hoping it won't wreak havoc on my body the way other sugars do. It is still a cheat, though, as I am not retraining my palate to enjoy less sweet foods.

However. Tis the season for Cadbury Mini Eggs!!

Clearly, I did not think this shit through.

2. I slacked off on Masters Shit big time this week and am in full-on PANIC MODE about getting all the necessary reading and writing and testing and paperwork done. I have no one to blame but myself and I have been doing that faithfully. I should quit beating myself up and instead focus that energy on working, yes? I just might learn something yet.

3. For the first time in three months, we can park the truck at the house, instead of halfway down the lane to the road. Almost all of the snow drifts have melted, and it is so awesome.

This may seem lame-o to you, but after being drifted in ALL WINTER, this is some exciting shit around here!

I am trying not to get too damn excited, though, because I know a Spring Storm will eventually blindside us. But, I am going to run some of my errands on foot today and enjoy the weather.

4. A band of sparrows have already been eyeballing our bird house that we keep for Mountain Bluebirds. Bastards. I don't know how we'd try to keep the sparrows away without scaring off the Mountain Bluebirds, too.

I haven't seen the first Mountain Bluebird of the spring yet, but I hope to soon. We usually see them in March.

5. When I fly out to DC in April for a friend's baby shower, I kind of hope I get picked for one of those ridiculously intrusive full-body scans.

I want to see if my IUD and ankle hardware show up in the scanner! That would be so cool and so weird.

After my curiosity is satisfied I will be self-righteously pissed about the intrusive scanners.

Happy Friday to you!

Forgiving

2011-03-09T16:13:00.001-07:00

So, Lent.

I haven't been to church in I don't know how long. The Church (Catholic) proceeds to make me more and more angry, more indignant of the blatant hypocrisy in living as decent human beings, much less as Christ's example. I will always miss the culture of Catholicism, though. I've written about this before.

I still appreciate the season of Lent. Of changing something in the routine of my life so as to bring values and actions into sharp relief. Do the values and actions line up? What about those values - re they mine, or am I wearing someone else's' morality? What do I need to do so my actions back up my values?

All the while, forgiving myself for my many shortcomings. Taking the time to forgive others' theirs. I think this is the best product and practice of Lent.

++++

I am giving up sweets for Lent, and trying to reduce the amount of added sugar my diet generally. Also, I will practice an evening meditation every night. I am better able to keep things in perspective when I faithfully do this evening mediation.

So far I managed to drink my coffee black and bought plain, salted cashews for an afternoon snack. Success!

++++

Are you giving anything up for Lent?

Friday Five

2011-03-04T09:50:00.000-07:00

1. My doctor and I have been mixing new med cocktails. I think we have hit the right combo, but damn. In the meantime, I have been having such vivid and realistic dreams. I've asked A. about three times about this thing we did/talked about/saw that never happened. I think he is wondering which kind of crazy with which he prefers to live.

2. Also, if I hit snooze, I still go straight into these dream/semi-conscious things. Like mini-dreams, but not REM-like dreams. It is EXHAUSTING. And very disorienting.

I suppose one way around the mini-dream marathon is to quit hitting snooze and just get up.

3. We have had gorgeous temps in the 40s all week. That means the 5-foot drifts are all melting. We've only had about three spots in the road turn into mud pits, but boy. My little Civic has a hard time.

The last time I attempted to drive it to the house I thought I'd be sneaky and avoid one of the mud traps with the deep ruts by driving on the snow to the side of the dirt road.

Uh huh.

I should have known this was a very, very bad idea. As soon as I hit the snow bank that looked deceivingly like a simple, shallow layer of snow, the bank sort of collapsed under my tires, because it was all melty and unstable inside. And also much deeper than I thought. And more stupid. My car violently sunk down into the snow bank. The snow bank that had no structural integrity. A great situation to be in.

I know how Lois Lane felt when her car fell into that horrible, sandy crack in the first Superman movie.

I should have been stuck and high-centered, except that my poor little car crashed down so damn hard that it bounced back up. Bounced. Boingy. Like I had hydraulic shocks installed and was listening to some norteno music. I need a flashier paint job to really pull that off, though. But I am totally bad-ass enough. Totally.

I gunned it while in the air and caught some new snow. Basically, I was off-roading in a civic. The view outside my windshield never stayed the same for more than half a second. I was all over the place. Just bouncing and revving and swerving and it was ridiculous. It was even more bouncy and jolty that when A. drives the truck on rutted two-track roads and sagebrush while out hunting. RIDICULOUS.

You guys. I looked like an idiot woman driver! I gave credence to that infuriating stereotype!

My car seems to be running fine. Tough little thing. It is now parked at the highway and we take the four-wheel drive truck that has clearance to the highway from the house.

4. Everyone near and dear to me are having babies and it is starting to mess with my head.

5. Prior to this little warm spell, I bought Buster a coat to wear. He doesn't get nearly the undercoat that Belle does, and he is not a fan of the cold.

Now, every plan I've had to improve the quality of these dogs' lives, every attempt I've made at establishing new routines have all gone down in a pile of flames. For instance, when I replaced some of Buster's food with green beans to help him lose weight, Belle ate all the green beans and nothing else, while Buster ate both of their regular food. So he was getting more food and Belle was happily eating veggies. (Seriously - she LOVES carrots. She steals peeling out of the trash while I am cooking. She just does this casual walk-by thing and doesn't even slow down. Little shit.)

These two find ways around my plans every. single. time.

Behold:

You guys! I totally won! I won this round!! Buster loves his coat. I think he actually understands that it keeps him warm. He just hangs out and wags his tail while I put it on him. He doesn't even squirm or act like an idiot!

Dogs: 19, Artemisia: 1

Happy Friday to you!

P.S. Isn't Buster a cutie? EARS!

Toiling

2011-02-28T14:06:00.000-07:00

Things are the same and boring. I am still working on Master's crap, A. is still job hunting, We have ridiculous snow/ice drifts that may never melt away, and the dogs are still adorable idiots.

++++

I am surprised at how much I care about this, but I want to share. I started using Too Faced's Shadow Insurance and it is AWESOME. If you want your eye shadow to stay put and look really, really even and silky, use this stuff. At $18 for a tiny tube, it is a splurge. But I use an itty-bitty, teeny-tiny dot of the stuff on each lid and that is it. I expect it will last for a year or longer. It works so, so well that I don't regret purchasing it in the slightest. And I am not really into make up, you know?

I can't believe I am this excited about make up, but this is really a snazzy little potion.

Do you have a beauty tip that just makes your day?

Also, does anyone actually wear lipstick on any kind of regular basis? Everyday to work? Out grocery shopping? Just wondering.

++++

This last hill toward The Completed Master's has been kind of crazy, but for the most part I am holding up. So far. I am reading all the fucking time: for my paper, my exam, and my independent study.

Have I told you I have to take an independent study to have enough credit hours for this Plan B bullshit? I cannot remember. Well, I need three more credits, so I am doing "guided reading" with Prof. D., whom I should have had as my advisor all along. (It is soooooo hard not to slap myself silly over this. I really, REALLY should have had Prof. D as my advisor all along. Jesus, I was so stupid. Let this be a cautionary tale for all of you: Fuck loyalty and do what is best for you.)

Prof. D. and I are reading about food and foodways and whatnot. This is totally the stuff I read about all the damn time anyway, and is a topic near and dear to both of us. The first few readings are to help with my Plan B paper, and so far, I have been able to incorporate them. (Hopefully this means I won't have to write another goddamned paper for the IS.) I love what I am reading, I am just reading ALL THE TIME. Currently, I am reading Taste of Place: A Cultural Journey into Terrior by Amy B. Trubek. I highly recommend it. Trubek approaches the local/organic idea around food with more nuanced approaches than what the popular "foodies" have offered. It is rather theory-heavy, but worth it.

I am also reading Alice Waters' The Art of Simple Food. This isn't on my reading list. A. gave it to me for Christmas. It is so good! And is actually a wonderful compliment to Taste of Place. I recommend it heartily!

I need to be writing more, and hope to really put away some pages tonight. I have a good momentum going, and truly see the light at the end of this ridiculous tunnel. Finally.

How are you all?

Thick Wool Socks

2011-02-03T09:18:00.000-07:00

Lame as it is, the weather is the big news around here.

We didn't get snow (or even wind! THANK GOD!) but we had cooooold weather. Yesterday, as I left for work, it was -40F. (If it had been windy, the windchill was expected to be -65F. WTF!!) All of our hot water pipes had frozen, so I took a shower at the gym over my lunch hour. Jesus. Today, it was only -5F and it feels GORGEOUS outside. Ridiculous!

While on the one hand I am all proud of how tough we all are (or stupid"?), I do wish they would have canceled school. I can't believe that kids were outside waiting for the buses in this weather.

It was a bit of a zoo in the morning. Our friend, MG, stayed with us instead of driving to his home 60 miles to the south. We didn't want him traveling in a less-than-dependable truck in this kind of cold, and he had enough sense to feel the same way. His truck didn't start yesterday. Nor did my car. So he, A., the two dogs and I all piled into our pick up and I proceeded to drop everyone off at class, work, or the kennel. Today the pups are home, as it is supposed to get over 30 degrees ABOVE ZERO. Buster is sporting his new coat, however. I still had to drop A. and MG off at their respective locations. It is kind of a cozy routine.

I totally used the excuse of no hot running water to get out of making dinner. A. picked up pizza for dinner. Score!

Strangely, I am not pining for summer just yet. What the hell?

Stay warm, everyone!

What's Your Status?

2011-01-27T12:42:00.000-07:00

Winter has certainly moved in to stay. We have enormous, solid drifts that keep us from parking in our driveway. We simply park in the lane and walk the rest of the way to the house. I am just pumped that the lane is clear enough that I can drive my little car and not have to sacrifice my schedule to A.'s all the time, or vice-versa.

It is 35 degrees outside and feels positively balmy. In fact, I drove in to work with my window completely down. Because it is so warm outside.

Winter.

++++

Things are moving along very well with the Non-Thesis-Bullshit-But-Masters-Crapola. I am taking an independent study with my favorite committee member, J., and the difference in how we work together is staggering. I don't feel like a goddamned idiot or nusuance; I feel like I have some really good ideas and questions to offer and that I come up with some pretty good prespectives. In fact, he's asked me to teach a couple sessions of his Fall food ways class. It is nice to remember I am bright and have something to offer.

For the independent study, I am looking at urban farming and the locavore movement. Pretty fun shit. This is what I read about on my own all the time, because I am a nerd. NERD. I am in good company. My professor, J., stole two books I brought in as suggestions for the course!

I am taking these 3 credits to have enough credits to finish a Plan B master's instead of a thesis. So far, I am very, very happy with my decision to switch to a Plan B and things are moving along a steady clip. I am busy as all hell, and read every night and should still be reading more somehow, but it is going well. I am enjoying the material again. I don't think our field is bullshit. I remember why I came back to grad school.

I working on revising my thesis into a 30-page, publishable essay. It is hard to rip out so much work.

My adviser is still mostly unhelpful, but I am working around him. I plan to plop the essay in his lap after working with my IS professor on it. For my sanity. I deserve that much.

++++

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago to reevaluate my meds, as I was slipping. I am feeling better, but not 100%. I am trying, and I think have been successful, to remind myself it is a process and not to feel discouraged.

++++

The dogs continue to be lovable idiots, and A. is still my rock star.

++++

How are you all?

Herd

2011-01-13T11:14:00.000-07:00

This morning, after I dropped A. off at work, I slowed the truck down because I saw a black lab running his damn heart out in the field to my right. As I'd feared, he indeed ran across the road without a thought of the traffic. Happily, everyone else had noticed him and slowed to a crawl as well.

I watched him as he got to the field to the left and noticed that he was REALLY RUNNING. I mean - as hard as he could. He wasn't just running around, enjoying the snow and what was clearly his newfound freedom.

He was chasing a heard of 12 antelope. In the middle of town. Across two major thoroughfares. (As major as they get in a town that has a 12-head herd of antelope in it.)

I turned to follow him, to try and get him to back off and see if he had owners I could call. He was pooped out, and turned around and began trotting back in his original direction. The antelope just stared at them, not even out of breath. I could catch up with him, but called Animal Control. I didn't want the pup getting hit by a car, and I didn't want the antelope to be stressed further.

I was wide awake by the time I made it in to work, that is for sure.

Happy Thursday to you!

2010

2010-12-31T13:01:00.000-07:00

Yearly recap: 2010

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Spread ashes of loved ones.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 

Resolutions for 2010:

Floss daily.- Achieved! Flossing truly kicks ass, folks.
Finish thesis. - Failed. However, I finally made progress and there is momentum. So, let’s call this 50/50.

Resolutions for 2011:

Do not let any produce that I buy go to waste.
Finish the god-damned master’s already.
Make some changes to my lifestyle to benefit my health and well-being, whatever they need to be.
Listen to music and enjoy myself more.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? 

Yes.

4. Did anyone close to you die? 

Unfortunately, yes. We have lost a lot of people this year, and it really has been difficult. My favorite uncle died alone and it still haunts me every day. Both of A.’s best friend’s parents passed on within months of each other after long and painful declining health. And just a few days ago, A.’s step-great-grandmother passed away. She lived along, good, feisty life of 102 years, however. It is still strange not to have her here, though.

5. What countries did you visit?
None, unfortunately.  

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Some forward momentum. Most especially, I would really like for A. to have a job in his field.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I don’t have exact dates, but there are some moments that will always be with me. Realizing my uncle was alone when he died. Looking out the car window on one of our trips to support A.’s friend as his father’s death was around the corner. Spreading the ashes of J.’s parents. A. making breakfast in the cabin during our fly fishing trip.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? 

I faced some really icky issues in therapy. I met them head on. I am stronger than I realized. Also, when I started to slip into another depression I tackled that shit straight on and took care of myself. I am so proud of that. And so thankful.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Finishing the god-damned Thesis.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yes; falling in the shower like a dumbass. Thankfully, no illness found its way into our household this year.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
The lazyboy recliner loveseat thing. It is pretty damn awesome.

12. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, unfortunately.

13. What did you get really excited about?
Our second annual fly-fishing trip in western Wyoming.

14. What song will always remind you of 2010?
I used to listen to music ALL THE TIME. Now, I hardly ever listen to it. Um, Bad Romance by Lady Gaga?

15. Compared to this time last year, are you: 
– happier or sadder? Happier.

– thinner or fatter? Fatter. And in even poorer shape and health. Wow. Typing that is one helluva wake up call.

– richer or poorer? Smidge richer. A smidge.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of? 
I wish I’d done more yoga and fly fishing.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of? 
Eating like crap and stressing about the Thesis/Masters bullshit.

18. How did you spend Christmas?
This was my first Christmas at home. A.’s folks, his stepbrother, his younger sister and her boyfriend, 4-year-old son, 2-year-old daughter and 6-month-old puppy celebrated with us in our tiny l little home. It was actually pretty awesome. It was humble, but awesome. I cooked my first turkey, and holy hell did I ever knock that one out of the park!

19. What was your favorite TV program?
M*A*S*H and The Walking Dead.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?
Oh, geez. The entire Sookie Stackhouse series. I am not going to apologize for that, either.

21. What was your favorite music from this year? 

I heard “A Prayer of Desmond Tutu” by James Whitbourn on NPR’s All Things Considered and just cried for loving it so much.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 34 and it was a pretty low-key day.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A. getting a job in his field.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

I actually started to give a damn! I bought more clothes for myself in 2010 than in all my adult years combined. I’d say I was shooting for classic and tailored, like Diane Keaton or Audrey Hepburn. I didn’t really hit the mark, but that was my inspiration.

26. What kept you sane?

My honey, A. And fly fishing.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010. 

Life is comings and goings, and all of them are divine and blessed.

Well, hello

2010-11-09T10:18:00.000-07:00

Things have been busy and I haven't felt like adding any extra minutes in front of the computer.

++++

Yesterday I didn't need to wear a jacket while outside. This morning, within an hour and a half, 3 inches of wet, heavy snow have covered the ground and visibility is pretty damn short. This is only our second snow! The first was hardly a dusting a few weeks ago. It has been a strange, but pleasant, fall.

++++

I meet with my committee next week. My adviser and I have been in steady contact (whoa!!). I could make myself miserable, as well as my committee, and try to finish The Thesis by December 3. That means the defense and final changes and submission to the University and everything.

I decided I didn't really want to do it that way. Yes, it would be done, but I would feel like shit.

So, I am doing a Plan B. It is no less rigorous, really. My current paper will need to be rearranged a bit so it reads as an 80+-page essay rather than chapters, and I have a bit of wrapping up and cleaning up to do. Otherwise, it is in great shape. My arguments are sound, etc. So, that feels pretty damn good.

Then, I have to come up with a reading list. This is primarily why I am meeting with my committee as a whole. I've submitted a proposed list that they felt was too centered on my non-Thesis topic. They are going to help me round it out a bit, plus add some key texts from the last few years in the field and American Studies Association Presidential Addresses and such.

I am actually really excited about the reading list. I get to read about all the other stuff that drew me into this field of study to begin with! It has definitely reignited my love for my degree and the field. It will be nice to branch back out.

Then, in the beginning of February I will defend my paper and write three exam essays in response to quesitons from my committee. It is set up almost exactly like comps. I will have three categories with three exam questions each. I pick three, and have three days to write essays. I will defend those essays as well, in February.

And then I am done!

I feel really, really good about this.

++++

A. and I are buying our first piece of Honest-to-God furniture this week. We found this on sale for over 60% off, and it is soooo comfy. ((t is the loveseat the model is sitting on._ I am not a huge fan of the puffy furniture style, but damn. It is comfy. Each side of the loveseat rock and recline. It is pretty damn awesome. Our current rocking chair still reclines and rocks without so much as a squeak. It, too, is a Lazboy. It is 34 years old. The upholstery and cushions are totally disintegrating. It might be nice to reupholster it, but we are spoiling ourselves. This is our Christmas and birthday gifts to each other. I can't wait till it is in our living room!

I can't believe I am splurging on such a thing, but I am pretty tickled.

++++

What is new with you?

Friday Five

2010-10-15T12:08:00.000-06:00

1. I met with my "adviser" on Tuesday.

He thinks my current paper would be a "really, really good" plan B paper (not a thesis) with very little work. However, I would then need to present a 24-item reading list in the field of what I consider American Studies and present it to my committee. Then, I would have to basically take comp exams over it (three questions from my committee with three days to write/respond), and defend both the paper and my exam to my committee by December.

I don't know that I am familiar enough with any 24 readings to do this by December. Thoughts? It is "open book," but to do this at the level required I would need to be very, very familiar with these readings. I have about 15 items I feel that comfortable with, but that is it.

The other option is to continue with The Thesis. He is mostly pretty happy with it, actually. My analysis/synthesis section would have to be substantial, which I think it will be.

I think I have a better chance of wrapping up The Thesis, though I am not at all opposed to a Plan B. finish.

I am to email him today with some thoughts on my analysis section and potential reading list and we are meeting again on Tuesday to hash it out.

Thoughts?

2. Last night, A. and I made lamb chops for the first time. We seared them over high heat and then moved the pan into a super hot oven for 10 minutes. It was smoky (as was expected).

What wasn't expected was the dogs reactions. Before A. and I could discern any smoke, the dogs both started acting super nervous, fidgety and scared. We let them outside. A bit later the smoke detectors when off and it took a while to get them to stop screeching. The dogs were still outside for this.

I went to let the dogs in and they both skidded to a stop at the threshold. Their noses were sniffing and were wiggling in overdrive. They REFUSED to enter the house.

We finally coaxed Buster back in with the promise of treats two hours later, but Belle refused. She refused ever invitation, and slept outside. She still wouldn't come in this morning. When she finally did come in, she was literally walking so close to A. that she was touching him at all times. She curled up with me for a bit. She was shaking the whole time. I have NEVER seen Belle shake before. Never.

We totally, utterly tramautized our dogs while making dinner.

But the chops turned out fantastic.

But I still feel horrible!

3. I feel even worse because this afternoon I am dropping them off to the kennel and that freaks them the fuck out for a good week after we've picked them up.

4. It is kind of hard to feel excited for my trip to Portland knowing the dogs are miserable. I am trying to keep perspective on this, but I am stupidly empathetic with the dogs, so who knows.

5. I can't believe Gretchen got to advance on Project Runway. Team Mondo forever!

Happy Friday to you!

Mindless Monday Morning Babble

2010-10-11T10:58:00.000-06:00

So, I am trying not to worry about what my "Adviser" is going to say tomorrow, because it will not help the result in any way. He will tell me what he wants and I will have to deal with it, regardless of whether it is rewriting the entire Thesis or not. If it involves divining what the fuck he really means in his comments, I have another professor in my department lined up to help me decipher his notes. (Really, I do.)

Do you 'spose I will have to rewrite the whole damn thing?

God, I hope he just keeps in mind I NEED TO FINISH. No one is going to read this pile of BS. It will have no impact on "Adviser's" career or reputation in the slightest. It will mean more to his colleagues that he enabled me to finish than any of the actual words in the stupid document. No one is going to unearth this thing to see what kind of content was created under his "supervision." No one gives a damn. It is just a moving hoop in the total bullshit world of academia.

Right?

Damn.

++++

I have to get up at 3:00 a.m on Saturday so that I am on the road by 4:00 a.m. to make my 9:00 a.m. flight out of Denver to Portland.

I really, really, miss living three miles from Ronald Regan National Airport in DC/Arlington. Before I lived outside of Wyoming, it used to be totally normal to have a three-hour drive to any major airport. That is just par for the course when living in Wyoming. But after living five minutes away from a convenient, small airport, the trek to Denver feels positively uncivilized.

3:00 A.M. PEOPLE.

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What has me most nervous is being on the road at this time. It is when all the critters, and by critters I mean 700-pound elk, are on the road.

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Do you suppose I could operate a log spitter by myself? I am going to have to help out considerably more this fall in the firewood department if we are going to be ready to go by the first (major) snowfall.

I think the most challenging part will be keeping up with the split wood and not getting buried in it.

++++

I made homemade bread yesterday for the first time in months. It is too hot to bake in the summer. (I also miss having AC and baking with abandon in the summer. Oh, DC. How I miss some things about you.)

The house smelled soooo good. I think I successfully substituted the sugar in the recipe with agave nectar. It isn't quite as sweet as usual, but I prefer it that way.

I can't wait to have a sandwich for dinner tonight! Yummy!

Friday Five

2010-10-08T11:53:00.005-06:00

1. I wore my Big Girl Panties all week.

I am terrified of needles. My imagination just goes too far when I think about the needle puncturing my skin, piercing through the different layers and densities if tissue and into my skinny vein. I am convinced that there is weird suctioning going on when in fact, it is just the force of my heartbeat pushing blood into the tube, but still. Skinny, weird suctioning of a needle in my vein! What if it sucks up the other side of my vein INTO the needle?!?!?

I am not kidding. I missed my calling as an artist for X-Files or one of the many CSI shows.

On Tuesday, I got my flu shot, all by myself. I am less worried about suctioning with shots than I am about the whole piercing thing and fluids being forced into muscle tissue. Dear God.

Usually, I am embarrassed to admit, my co-workers escort my wussy ass to make sure I do not chicken out and hide in a hallway. This year, everyone was out of the office when shots were being offered, so I went by myself. I did not even freak out! I know! My heart did not race! It is like I am a grown up woman who can slap away irrational fears or something.

Then, yesterday, I got my blood drawn for a blood chem test. And I only broke out into a small sweat! My heart did not really race. I did not hyperventilate or pass out. And unlike the last time I had my blood drawn, I did not lose my hearing in my left ear as my system went into Super Anxiety Mode. Amazing! A co-worker did go with me and we got our blood drawn at the same time. She told everyone how proud she was of me. I am so ridiculous.

I have always hated needles. I passed out when I got my MMR shot for college. I cried for days when I got, what -- five stitches, when I had two small moles removed. I was a fucking mess during the procedure, and cried for about three days everytime I thought about the stitches. They were at my waist, and I was certain my skin would stretch and then pull the stitches out and ohmygodIamgoingtobarfrightnow.

Maybe I need to amend that sentence up there? Maybe I used to be terrified of needles, but now I just have the normal dislike of being poked and prodded. Huh. I mean, I did pretty damn good when I got my eyebrow stitched up a few months ago, and I never once freaked out about the stitches while they were in.

I think I need to go shopping for a new size of Crazy Pants!

2. I had my annual wellness physical a week or so ago. The PA gave me three recommendations/reminders:

a. Exercise. Exercise. Exercise.
b. Keep wearing my seat belt all the time.
c. Wear a helmet in the shower.

3. A.’s hunting partner called last night and had to cancel this weekend’s hunt. A. is really bummed out. I am bummed because that means he really will have to go hunting next weekend, the last weekend of the season, and can’t join me in Portland for my friend’s wedding. I know quite a few people going to the wedding, and I actually enjoy running around a new city, exploring it on my own. But, still. It would be nice to have A. there. A. has not met any of these friends, and I feel like something is missing. The groom and another couple of guys at the wedding were a big part of my life in college, and I’d like them all to know each other.

4. I am going to read fun books, have drinks with a friend, and knit this weekend. All of this “having a life” sort of stuff is going to come to a screeching halt once I meet with my “Adviser” next Tuesday to discuss the next steps in the completion of The Thesis.

I am pretty fucking grumpy about this. Especially because it coincides with the baseball playoffs. This is yet another reason why I handed it in in August! I wouldn’t have minded missing the Rockies tank.

5. I think I am also going to bake some bread and try my hand at apple pie. It has been in the 70s and 80s for the past two weeks, and I loved it. However, Autumn arrived today and I will try to make the best of the chill in the air.

What are you doing to welcome/make peace with Fall?

Happy Friday to you!

I think Bill is An Asshole and Has Bad Hair

2010-10-05T16:32:00.000-06:00

Well, hello there.

It seems, since turning in The Thesis, I have relaxed. So much so, that I could not put in the energy to write a blog post.

Nothing interesting is going on, anyway. I have done little more than read four of the Sookie Stackhouse vampire mysteries and watched the first two episodes of True Blood. I hated the character Bill immediately, in both the books and the show. The opening credits to the show are fucking brilliant. These stories have been the perfect escape from all the stress I carried on my shoulders until I turned in The Thesis..

++++

Do you recall that my adviser said he would get back to me in two weeks upon receipt of The Thesis? I turned in my thesis on August 31.

I got an email from him today, October 5, saying he just started reading it.

The good news is that he thinks it is a significant improvement from my previous draft. The bad news is, he has not yet read the shit new sections I threw together on August 31.

Regardless, we are meeting next Tuesday to discuss if I still want to graduate by December. “Because if so, we need to talk.” Talk about what? How it is October 5 and graduation is December 4? How it sure would be nice to have three months to revise and edit The Thesis instead of two? That this is going to be a tight God-damned deadline?

Boy, I sure wish I could have had this talk mid-September!

I am fuming, but ready to move on.

++++

I am trying to lose weight for the first time in my life. I have lost 5 pounds, maybe. I am still tracking calories and stuff on Sparkpeople, and have started tracking workouts, too.

I miss being 20 and having a metabolism that was sky-high.

++++

I am going to Portland in a couple of weeks for a dear friend’s wedding. I am anxious to meet his bride; I hope we like each other. It will totally break my heart if we don’t.

Other than visiting and purchasing a couple of delights from Voodoo Doughnut, I have not made plans. Andy will most likely be hunting (he made a commitment to a friend before we got the wedding invite) so I will be prancing around the city on my own. Too bad; we could have eloped at a doughnut shop. That is about the only wedding I think I can truly get behind! I am, however, actually quite excited about the idea of a little adventure, all to myself.

Any suggestions as to what I simply must see or do while there?

++++

I missed you guys.

Help! Need Suggestions

2010-09-06T17:43:00.000-06:00

Hello,

A good friend of mine was in an accident a few days ago. A pop-up trailer disconnected in front of her car and blew threw the windshield and broke her face is six places. She is being released tonight. Thankfully, her hubby and 18-month-old were in the backseat and were unhurt.

I would like to do something for them, obviously. I thought about making a lasagna and putting it in their freezer. What are some other dishes that would be from the "freezes beautifully" section?

What else can I do? Offer to come over a couple nights a week after work to get dinner started, a load of laundry done? Take an afternoon off and take her little girl to the pool so she can rest?

Thoughts? You guys are of the awesome sort. Any suggestions would be great.

Boy, I am going to party my ass off when it is time to wave goodbye to 2010.

Status of The Thesis: Turned in to Advisor! Ack!

2010-09-02T14:57:00.000-06:00

I turned in The Thesis, as is, to my adviser at 9:17 p.m. on Tuesday.

I KNOW.

It was a “directive” from my therapist. To just get The Thesis out into the light of day and for me to quit navel-gazing. She MAY have a point.

I think the draft is crap and that there will be CONSIDERABLE revisions, but dude - it is on my adviser's desk and not mine!!!! It is HIS problem to figure out how to fix that shit. considering he has been totally absent from my thesis journey, I don’t feel too bad about making him earn his paycheck.

I am sooo relaxed right now, let me tell you.

I spent all of Tuesday at the university library, surrounded by young whipper-snappers studying for their Spanish 101 quizzes. I felt old, but thankful I am past those silly early years of a bachelor’s degree. I hauled in all my main sources, I packed a lunch, snacks and dinner, and my laptop. I had on a cute pair of fuschia sweats and cute top, my hair was in a braid. I wore my glasses and didn’t wear any uncomfortable jewelry. I was set for the day.

And it was great. I sat down and just worked away. Tweaked the intro to more closely fit the rest of The Thesis, and wrote the final two chapters. I think having the stress of the quality of the work off of me helped considerably. I just needed to turn in words on paper. The goal was simply to turn the fucker in, come what may. I just worked steadily without anxiety. It was awesome. Now, there is nothing you can say that will convince me that what I turned in is not total shit, but hey, I just don’t care right now.

Then I promptly caught a cold from all the germy whipper-snappers. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to concentrate on not gagging on my menthol throat drop.

Friday Five

2010-08-20T12:04:00.000-06:00

1. I am so flippin' relieved to know I will not be making a mad dash to be on the road by 6:00 p.m. to start an epic road trip. I am full of energy just because I know I won't be trapped in the car this weekend.

2. A very good friend of mine sent me some good advice about my current stand off with The Thesis. (Thanks, MT! Have an awesome weekend with all things Disney!) I am going to tumble around in that advice over the weekend.

3. The students are all returning as university classes start on Monday. It really sucks to live in this town this time of year. SUCKS SO HARD. I am planning to do my grocery shopping at 11:00 p.m. Saturday night. So. Annoyed.

4. Buster has taken to the idea that he cannot go outside to pee in the morning until after he's had his breakfast. A. deals with this nonsense every morning. Buster does his weird staring/backing up thing in A.'s line of vision until he relents and fills his food bowl. After snarfing the food down in 15 seconds (I wish I was kidding), he then prances around nervously, because, DUDE, he has to PEE.

5. Dogs. They are ridiculous.

Happy Friday to you!

Decided. Well, One of Many Things, Anyway.

2010-08-19T11:47:00.000-06:00

I wrote this post once today. For whatever reason, it feels positively epic to have try and put it together again. (Also. Blogger, where the fuck did my post go?)

++++

I have decided not to go to the memorial. While it would be nice to see my family, a 24-hour road trip over the course of 60 or so hours just doesn’t feel reasonable. I think I will write a letter and ask my other uncle to read it at the ceremony.

I feel so much better, so unburdened, since making this decision. Maybe I am selfish jerk, but I just couldn’t face this long trip this weekend.

But, you know what? I think I am finally okay with making decisions now and then that take care of me.

++++

I am still wrestling with how to proceed on The Thesis. Do I just write 500 words a day and turn it in on Halloween, no matter what? Maybe.

The thing is, The Thesis has just turned into The Fucking Miserable Thing That Needs To Get Done. It isn’t about studying a topic I am interested in, it isn’t even about getting my master’s. I am trying to remember what motivated me to pull up my roots and leave all the people I love in DC to go back to being dirt ass poor and in school. What was it I was looking for? What was my goal, my dream? I didn’t do this because I had a specific career goal necessarily. I want to work in community development in non-profits, but I honestly could have done that without this degree. If I started an entry-level position in a community development agency I am sure I would have moved up the organization’s ladder and would be doing fulfilling work right about now. (Though, I love my current job.) School kind of got in the way of that, in a sick twist of fate.

Why did I do this?

Maybe if I can rediscover my original motivation I can use that as the reminder I need to just sit down and write every day. Then it might be less about just getting something done, which has very little payoff for me, to accomplishing a larger goal. Instead of finally losing something (the thesis would be gone, finally) I would be gaining something in the form of a larger goal/accomplishment met that means something to me.

Does that make any sense?

Gah.

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I have been pining over a sewing machine for quite some time, now. I think I have narrowed my choice down to this one, a Janome 8077. I think it would be good for a beginner (ME), but that it would allow for me to grow into it with more elaborate projects for many years to come. From reviews I’ve read, it is a good workhorse.

And speaking of projects, I already have a number of them lined up!

Winter curtains for the house
Summer curtains
Curtains for the camper thing that sits in the back of the truck that can’t go anywhere. Might as well be pretty!
Handmade everyday napkins
Handmade holiday napkins
Handmade special occasion napkins
Handmade neckerchiefs for both A. and I
A super cool Christmas present for A.’s mom and a couple of friends. (email if you want to know what it is, but you might be one of the recipients! If I get my ass in gear.)
Kitchen apron
artist apron (for when I paint)
fruit and produce cozy’s to protect them in my lunch bag or purse
Silverware pouch to take silverware along for homemade lunches away from home
New seat cushion for A.’s grandpa’s cool wooden chair in our living room
New seat cushions for the couch
New throw pillows to accompany the new seat cushions on the couch
New throw pillows for our bed and the guest bed
Hem the two shirt dresses I have hanging in my closet to accommodate my short legs
Hem pants to the proper length
Hem skirts to the proper length
Hem, take in, re-purpose old or thrift store clothes. (Currently, I am obsessed with this blog.)
Eventually start to make my own clothes

So, I think I could get some use out of the damn thing. That is, if I knew how to sew. I don’t really know how to sew. I used to sew a little bit as a young girl, and could sew a mean pillow when I was 12. But I haven’t sewn since. I think tracking down a sewing class or mentor would be pretty easy, however.

Thoughts? Do any of you sew? Do you have any machine recommendations?

++++

Happy Thursday to you!

Make My Decisions for Me, Please. No, REALLY.

2010-08-18T09:44:00.000-06:00

My uncle's memorial is this Saturday. I am struggling with whether or not to go. The trip is 12 hours one way and I can't really take any time off from work right now.

My plan is to drive six hours Friday night, finish the trip Saturday morning, attend the memorial and hang out with the family for a few hours, drive four to six hours toward back toward home and finish the trip on Sunday. maybe if I arrive home before 6:00 p.m. I won't feel so fucking wrecked the entire next week.

Normally, I would never drive 24 hours to spend five hours with people. But this is my uncle's memorial. It will also quite likely be the last time I see my grandmother. We are not close, but you know, it is a respect thing.

What do I do?

If I am being hones, I really want to stay home. It is out of a sense of obligation and good old fashioned guilt that I feel like I should go. True, I would like to see everyone, and I would like to be there to say goodbye to my uncle. He had a very, very lonely death. A death that will haunt me for the rest of my days, I am afraid. At least I could be there now, right?

Again, what would you do?

++++

I am tossing around the idea of setting a Final Date for The Thesis. Either it is done or I walk away from it on Halloween.

Thoughts?

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A. and I got home from work last night at nearly 8:00 p.m. As is my custom, I darted to the bedroom to change into my jammies and shed the ornaments of work: my watch, necklace, rings, earrings, contacts.

It was only then that I noticed I had two very different earrings hanging from my ears. Both were long and beaded, but still quite different. Thankfully, I had worn my hair down so I do not think anyone noticed.

However, what the fuck? I cannot even dress, groom, or accessorize myself properly anymore! I need an honest-to-gawd vacation. NOW.

++++

Happy Wednesday to you!

Friday Five

2010-08-13T12:54:00.000-06:00

1. As I was walking toward my building on my way to work this morning, a friendly woman crossed my path and we chit-chatted for a while. I had never met her before, and enjoyed the happy-see-strangers-arent-bad-we-can-beat-the-suburbs-isolation moment. We both said goodbye in happy, sing-song voices.

2. As I walked to the doors of my building and caught my reflection in the glass I saw that I still had a roller in my bangs.

3. I am having some serious issue with The Thesis and whether or not it is worth my time (and my life!) to finish. More on that later, possible over at Fledgling.

4. I get to see my three nephews on my side of the family this weekend. I cannot wait. I CANNOT WAIT. I walked by a display of cotton candy and had to get some "for the boys." I damn near plopped down $35 on three teeny Wyoming Cowboy baseball hats for them.

You can bet that I will, indeed, be pinching their cheeks tomorrow.

I need to be stopped.

5. Otters. They are quite possibly the most awesome animal on Planet Earth.

Enjoy!

Happy Friday to you!

A Little of This, A Little of That

2010-08-09T10:08:00.000-06:00

A. and I spent the weekend in multiple festivities for our friend's Pakistani wedding. The fabrics! The cutsoms! the rituals! THE FOOD!

Also, it was so wonderful to finally see H. and B. get married. They have wanted this for a long time. Oh, it was a wonderful, wonderful weekend!

And I got dressed up for the occasion. He looked SO HOT. I will upload a picture later.

++++

The left front tire on the truck is pointing left, and the right front tire is pointing right.

SHIT.

We still have to get three more cords of fire wood, and our truck isn't going anywhere for a while. Oh, 2010 can suck it.

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I wore "grown up" shoes to work last week for half a day. (2" slingbacks). My right big toenail is purple as a result. So, screw grown up shoes! I am sticking to sandals and flip flops and frumpy clogs.

My heels are SO FREAKIN' NARROW that I can't wear pumps or slip ons. Even mary janes fall off. I literally just walk out of my shoes. Sometimes I can manage sling-backs, as I can tighten the back strap enough. But usually, I just smoosh my feet into the shoes, and my toes pay the price. I am a quadruple narrow (AAAA), and it is IMPOSSIBLE to find shoes in that size. It is nearly impossible just to find narrow shoes (A).

It sucks SO BAD.

I just want some pretty shoes, dammit.

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The upcoming weekend A. and I are traveling to my hometown for my step-grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary. I get to see all three nephews on my side! I bought the 5-year-old a canister thing with a built-in magnifier to catch and look at bugs. I got the two-year-olds these microphones to sing into. They just have holes in the front and back and sort of amplify noise. No battieries or anything. I also got all three of these cute little squeezy fish things to squirt water in the tub.

I hope they like the gifts.

I am exhausted, but I cannot wait to see these three kids play together. Wahoo!

++++

After hanging out with all of B. and H.'s family over the weekend, I am really looking forward to seeing all my family this weekend. I wish we all lived closer to each other.

++++

Happy Monday to you.

Friday Five

2010-07-30T12:51:00.000-06:00

1. I turned the corner to my desk this morning and was greeted by a beautiful Calla Lily plant. My coworkers chipped in and got it for me as a way to say they are thinking of me after the loss of my uncle.

2. What a blessing to feel so cared for by the people you work next to for 40 hours of every week. I am so, so, so fortunate to work where I do.

3. I am going shopping tonight or tomorrow, as quickly as possible, for a dress to wear to a friends wedding and maybe a few more shirts for work. I hate shopping, and I just want to get it over with.

4. A.'s friend bailed on him on their plans to go up and get firewood this weekend. I REALLY need to wrap up the god damned thesis, and this is my ONLY free weekend in the next six weeks. I NEED this weekend to be mine.

But I really don't like the idea of A. going up to the mountains with a so-scary-because-it-can-kill-you chainsaw, cutting down huge-ass so-scary-because-they-can-smoosh-you trees. Plus, then he has to cut the trees to size and load them all by himself.

He is totally willing to do this by himself. I am just worried. It seems like a foolish plan to me.

What do I do?

5. It doesn't even feel like summer. I have gone fishing TWICE. Twice! We have only gone to ONE Rockies game (though, damn, they are breaking my heart this year), and we have only gone camping ONCE. WTF?

I am just in a crabby ass mood.

Happy Friday to you! May you not be surrounded by crabby people!

Two

2010-07-29T11:37:00.000-06:00

I found out yesterday that my Uncle John passed away.

He was my favorite uncle when I was growing up. He was so funny. Affectionate. My sisters and I just adored him.

He used to take my sisters and I fishing and camping. He had a real teepee that he set up, and that is what we would camp in. I remember seeing a centipede run across the frying pan (before it was hot), and thinking it was going to be a long night in the teepee.

I am much more sad than I thought I would be. Mostly, however, I am worried for my grandmother. John was my mother's younger brother. My poor grandmother has lost two of her five children. First, my mom, and now John.

Please keep her in your thoughts.

Bitchy Blahs

2010-07-27T13:24:00.000-06:00

It is starting to become difficult to get out of bed again. It isn't impossible, but it isn't easy. I don't know if this is a short phase, or if I need to reevalute the meds. Dammit.

Thoughts?

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I need to do some clothes shopping. I HATE shopping, especially for clothes, but most especially for shoes. I would like a few more slacks and blouses for work, and some shorts. Any tips?

There are exactly TWO clothes stores in town. One is cowboy shit, and the other is cute. Problem is, if you buy something there, 20 other people have the exact same outfit.I also try to only buy stuff on sale. I just hate paying full price. My budget rarely ever allows for such luxuries, anyway.

Again. Advice?

Normally, I would drive either 50 or 70 miles to the nearby towns with some stores. But I don't want to spend that time in the car when I could spend it FINISHING THE GOD DAMNED THESIS.

++++

I would like to learn to sew. I really would.

++++

I think The Thesis may have a helluva lot to do with my current funk. I just want it to be finished. I am making good and steady progress, but fuck, I hate it.

Friday Five

2010-07-23T11:58:00.000-06:00

1. First: THANK GOD IT IS FINALLY FRIDAY.

No, that sentiment is not original, but damn is it ever heartfelt.

2. I am going with A. this weekend to be with our friends. It turns out they are going to be spreading the ashes of J.'s parents, so yes. I will most definitely be there.

3. I am taking my laptop and will work in the car. We are leaving tonight after work and the scenic part of the drive will be in the dark. So, I may as well make use of the time. I took your advice and I have two small but distinct goals for the weekend. Hopefully that will help me focus or relax as needed.

4. I have gone to the gym a few times, and am faithfully recording everything I eat and drink. I manage to stay around 2,000 calories, but haven't really put my heart into trying to stay around 1,500. I think it will be quite possible with some planning, but I just haven't put the time into it. As it is, by staying around 2,000 I am consuming about 4- to 500 less calories a day. That's progress, yes?

And damn. If I try to get all the fruit and veggies and fiber in that I am aiming for, I am stuffed. It is pretty cool.

5. We are kenneling the dogs over the weekend. We both hate doing this. They really don't like it - at all. They are both exhibiting separation anxiety, and it just kills me to see little BELLE shivering as we walk away. OH, GOD. I just kills me. My little brave Belle. Shivering from fear of being left.

We do all the recommended stuff - or rather don't do what isn't recommended. We don't coo over them or say bye or look back. We don't make a big deal of it when we pick them up. But still. THEY SHAKE AND SHIVER.

Help me feel better about this. SOMEHOW.

Happy Friday to you.

Need Advice

2010-07-22T12:30:00.000-06:00

The Thesis is moving along, and I feel like I have some momentum. I think I can get the near-final draft wrapped up in a week or so.

I stayed home last weekend and caught up on housework and thesis work. I feel more grounded and like I still have a chance of finishing the damn thing. I missed out on a camping and fly fishing trip, but I think it was well worth it. I feel like I have a grip on my sanity and anxiety again. It was starting to get out of control a bit, what with all the trips away from home and lack of time to work on the damn paper. (I skipped fly fishing! I HATE that.)

However.

This weekend, I am supposed to accompany A. on a road trip to one of our favorite towns up north to visit with our friends J. and C. (J. is the one who just lost both his parents.) I really want to see them. I want to see their little 11-month-old girl. She is so adorable and fun. (Who am I? WTF?) We have plans to run around the most beautiful mountain range in the state. It is part theraputic, but also bittersweet. J. is going to be scouting the location to scatter the ashes of his parents. So, it is not really an escape, so much. I feel it is important to support him during this trip. A. will be there, regardless if I go. So, that makes me feel better.

I have two other very dear friends that live in the town that I can visit. A. and I have put this little town on our list of places we are trying to move.

But.

I really, really think I should stay home and write. I don't want to exactly, but I think I should. I think I should take advantage of the momentum while I have it.

Maybe I can take my laptop, work in the car and maybe skip the actual trip to the mountains? Hang out with them over the weekend but take that afternoon or morning to work? Would that be a decent compromise? Gah.

I am so sick of missing out on life because of the The Thesis. I feel guilty that I am ignoring so many people in my life. The best way to get back into my life is to finish the fucker. Duh.

What do I do? What would you do? Advice, please.

Thurs-- Tuesday. Damn.

2010-07-20T20:00:00.000-06:00

How in the hell is it only Tuesday night? My goodness, I have gotten more done since 7:00 a.m. on Monday than I usually do in, oh, a month. It is amazing what a plan and a glance at my calendar can accomplish!

However, as a result, I have been fairly convinced that is was Thursday all. damn. day. I am going to just DIE tomorrow. Because tomorrow is only WEDNESDAY. Wha?

I supposed the good news is this means I still have all week to work on the thesis. But damn. I still have a whole week of thesis bullshit of which to look forward.

Fuck.

Friday Five

2010-07-16T09:48:00.000-06:00

1. Things are finally starting to slow down just a bit here. Last Thursday I attended the memorial for our friend's parents. I don't know how to explain it other than it was a relief to know that was the last trip of that kind. I know that sounds selfish and horrible, but damn. It has been so emotionally and physically exhausting. I can't imagine how J. and his family are holding up.

2. A. is being very conscientious of his friend and his grieving process. He is adamant that we be a support for him for many months to come. (I agree.) For next weekend, he planned a hiking trip with them. We will meet in the middle of the state; half the distance between us. We are also planning a trip to Billings in a month or so to visit. A. talks to him or chats online with him nearly every day. He is such a good friend, you guys.

3. Another story about what an awesome guy A. is: During one of our trips to visit J. and his dad in the hospital, A. suddenly pulled over on the highway, flipped a U-turn and headed back in the direction we came. I asked him what was going on. He pulled over and pointed.

An antelope (or pronghorn, if you are fussy) was stuck in a fence and was struggling to get out.

A. got out of the car. He told me he was going to go free the animal. He asked if I wanted to come with. I was kind of terrified, but decided yes, I did want to go with him. Just as we were getting out of the car, the antelope freed itself.

He just does stuff like this. You know. The right thing. The thoughtful thing. The generous thing.

You guys. HOLY COW, I LOVE THIS MAN.

Also, is is so freakin' hot.

Even if he has gotten into the habit of saying, "Shitty motherfuckers" every time he forgets something. (Wha?!)

4. I am trying to lose weight for the first time in my life. (I am not saying that to be smug or anything. I happened to have a kick ass metabolism that, well, doesn't kiss ass so much anymore.)

I am using SparkPeople to track my calories, nutrients, and exercise. It took a while to get going because I cook most things from scratch, and of course the food database is nearly all commercial (processed) products. I had to add in all the recipes I use. I routinely do the same kind of data entry for the cookbooks I produce at work, so it didn't take too long.

I ate like I normally do and tracked it, and was, shall we say, surprised, by how many calories I was accustomed to snarfing up every day. Enlightenment is humbling.

I don't really know what I am doing, I guess. I am trying to remain within 1,500 - 1,700 calories, get 5 full servings of fruits and veggies, and 25 grams of fiber. I am also trying to make sure that at least 30% of my calories come from protein. I am surprised by how little protein and how many carbs I eat. I thought I was more balanced than that, but no. I was also surprised by how much food you get to eat if you try to incorporate all that fruit and veg (as the Brits would say). Who knew!?

I have nothing to do with the "social" aspect of the site. The thought just annoys the shit out of me for whatever reason.

5. I finally get a weekend to myself to try and wrap up this damn thesis. Please don't ask how The Thesis is going. I am really sick of that question. Thanks!

Happy Friday to you!

Helpless

2010-06-28T10:24:00.000-06:00

Later today, A. and I will travel about 160 miles to be with a friend when their father is taken off life support. This man has been an important figure in A.'s life as well, much like a beloved uncle. A. is so worried for his friend, and so sad.

My heart is heavy and my hands are restless. I feel useless and helpless. Tell me: what would you do to bring comfort to these friends? I think I will bake some nice breads and send them to them after we get back tomorrow. I started knitting a scarf for comfort for the friend when his mother passed away a few months ago. (I know, horrible year for him.) I liked the idea of the warmth of comfort of friends wrapping around him. Seems silly to finish it and send it just now, with temperatures in the 90s.

Any suggestions would be appreciated. Did someone do something or share something that brought you comfort in a time of sadness?

Antilocapra americana

2010-06-16T09:19:00.000-06:00

I saw my first baby antelope this morning!!! It was super tiny, and was all wobbly in the brilliant morning sunshine. So, that means it is BRAND NEW. Baby! Antelope!

++++

The proper name for the critters we call antelope is pronghorn, but there isn't a soul in the Rocky Mountain West that calls them that. They are antelope as far as we are concerned.

++++

I have never heard antelope referred to as Speedgoats, but there you go. I learned something new today!

++++

A colleague of mine from Denver, Colorado saw an antelope a couple of days ago and called it a gazelle. I was incredulous. (Which was a rather smug and snotty reaction, I know.) Gazelle? I find it difficult that she, in her early 50s, born and raised in Denver, had never seen or heard of an antelope, and had no idea that gazelles do not exist on this continent.

++++

Buster's blood work came back and it looked "fantastic!" according to the vet. I have not yet chased Buster around the yard with a soup ladle (that will be permanently retired after its final service). The truck is not really working (super!) so A. and I are a one-vehicle family which complicates the running-to-the-vet-with-fresh-pee errand. I am hoping (dreading?) to get this done tomorrow morning.

++++

I downloaded the songs of the Western Meadowlark, Red Winged Blackbird, and yes, the gobble of a Wild Turkey to my phone. I managed to transfer the turkey call to A.'s phone, but cannot get it set as his ring tone. I sooooo wanted to surprise him with it. Now I am stuck with it on my phone! I thought it might be endearing to set it as his ring tone for when he calls me but we call each other too often. I would go batshit crazy after one day.

I have the Meadowlark set as my wake-up alarm. I smile every time I hear it. It is a wonderful way to start the day.

++++

Happy Wednesday to you!

Gloved

2010-06-14T12:48:00.000-06:00

This morning I took Buster to the vet to see about treating his anxiety, thunder-phobia and to check that his habit of freaking out and peeing in the house isn't a medical issue.

WHAT A GOOD TIME.

Poor fella had to have a prostrate exam. He is one squirmy little rascal. He was so anxious and wound up after that his hair was basically coming off in poofs. I felt so bad for him. He would barely come up to the vet even when she offered him a treat.

The vet and vet tech couldn't get him to cooperate to collect a urine sample, so I walked up and down the street with him on a leash in one hand and a soup ladel in the the other. Now this is love: I didn't even feel the slightest bit ridiculous when folks drove by. I, too, was unsuccessful, however. Every time he stopped to pee it was just air. Ridiculous.

So, tomorrow morning I am going to try to follow him around the yard with a cup. I shall do this before my shower.

Glamorous!

Friday Five

2010-06-11T11:05:00.001-06:00

1. This morning, as I drank a cup of coffee before getting in the shower, I managed to see South Africa score the first goal of the World Cup. That seems so, so right.

2. I don't know the first thing about soccer.Okay, maybe I do, as the first thing probably has something to do with kicking the ball, yes? That, right there, is the sum of my knowledge on the sport.

3. A colleague from Germany tried to explain the World Cup and how it works to me, but I am utterly overwhelmed. It seems they are always playing toward the World Cup. And the current play isn't tournament play, or something? Wha?

If you know anything of the World Cup and soccer, please send me some dumbed-down cliff notes.

4. What the hell is that weird, non-stop buzzing noise? NO. REALLY. What the hell is it? Can you hear it in the stands?

5. I spent a lot of time over that cup of coffee sending prayers up for the Mandela family, and thinking how I should live my life with more purpose as a way of thanks to Nelson Mandela.

Have a happy, deliberate Friday, my friends.

Capitalist Consumerist Streak

2010-06-03T10:48:00.000-06:00

I have been wanting things lately. This is truly strange behaviour for me. I am having a Capitalist Consumerist Streak.

Some examples:

Cute clothes. I know! Me! Wanting cute clothes. Thing is, I have bought myself some cute clothes lately, and damn, that is so much more fun than wearing un-cute clothes. Whoda thunk?
Retro Vintage Steelcase Credenza to go with my kick ass desk
A sewing machine, obviously
Shell "cream color base" (whatever the hell that is, to highlight cheekbones) from MAC
Eyeshadow from MAC
Shoes. Unfortunately, I HATE shopping for shoes. I have normalish toes, but FUCKING NARROW heels. I walk right out of flats and heels. Even if they have straps, my feet try to slip out and then I end up with either enormous blisters or filleted feet. (I wish I was exaggerating, but truly, I am not.) The only shoes I can wear are Dansko clogs. Ok some of the time, un-cute the rest of the time, don't destroy me feet all of the time. Any advise? Suggestions?
Boots. Again, a pain to shop for. I don't get as many blisters, so these are my only heel options. But. I have HUGE calves, always have. So I have to fine wide-calf boots. Not easy. Again, suggestions?
Petticoat short thingies. Screw slips.
Sam Elliott to read a bit of Lonesome Dove to me at night as I fall asleep. I am totally serious.
Colorado Rockies fitted baseball cap.
Joe Mauer t-shirt
A budget that would allow even one of these purchases. (sigh)

What the hell, right? Maybe my mind is just in hyperdrive with all the possibilities before me once I finish The Thesis.

So, yeah. Any of you having a Capitalist Consumerist Streak? What are you pining after?

Plans Forgotten, Broken, Modified and Made

2010-06-01T20:19:00.002-06:00

We had company all weekend, and I managed to completely forget about this until Thursday evening. Needless to say, I didn't get as much Thesising done as I'd planned and hoped. But I continue to move forward, and will write a bit more tonight (Tuesday) before curling up in bed next to A., reading a novel that has absolutely nothing to do with The Thesis.

++++

Also over the weekend, A. and I went to our first Rockies game of the year, and I got to meet Melospiza! She is a delightful, funny, smart little pixie! I felt comfortable with her immediately. I met her son, daughter and cutie pie hubby. All of them wonderful and kind.

++++

Over the weekend the trees have finally grown leaves! We have green trees! They are not full yet, but it sure beats the scraggly, dead-looking leafless limbs. It has done wonders for my mood to see so much more green. Oh, my goodness. You have no idea.

++++

A couple of weeks ago I happened upon a kick-ass old Steelcase Tanker Desk. Other than a huge wood desk, this is the desk I have always wanted. And it was free! FTW!) And a total bitch to move! But, oh I love it. I loooooooooooooooove it and its weird champagne colored paint. Love! I am so much more comfortable at this desk than our old one. I want to keep it forever. It is in great shape. I am going to convert our old one into a sewing and crafting desk. Oh, I cannot freakin' wait to get The Thesis finished so I can start other projects!

Hoo boy, I wish this were my home office... My desk looks like this but is champagne, not grey.

++++

Some potential projects I lay awake daydreaming about:

Making new summer and winter curtains for every room in the house
re-upholstering the seat and back cushions of the couch with a nice, abstract pattern that involves red.
Sewing new throw pillows suitable for the new look of the couch
Sewing a pet sofa throw like this one, only in a fabric and pattern I like, to protect the new cushions from Infinite Dog Hair. Genius.
Make loads of homemade Christmas/holiday ornaments to prepare for the upcoming gift-giving season
Start painting with my watercolors again. (Oh, so much baggage here.)
Fun throw pillows for our bed
Duvet cover for our bed
shower curtain for our bathroom
Crochet a cute rimmed winter had that also has those ear flaps that tie under your chin. Cute, and warm! (Apparently, I think I am going to do this freehand. Hilarious!)

++++

Have I mentioned I don't really know how to sew and I do not own a sewing machine? I could sew a mean pillow in 7th grade home economics, but have not sewn since. Unless you count a missing button or two.

Any advice on learning to sew and machines would be greatly appreciated. As you can see, I have oodles of plans for when I get to reclaim my life!

Happy day to you!

Friday Five

2010-05-28T08:28:00.000-06:00

1. Thanks for the Get The Grumps Out suggestions. You guys are awesome, you know that?

2. After my late afternoon therapy appointment yesterday (which was productive, but I was still grumpy), I called in to work to let them know I wasn't coming back. I just didn't feel like it, dammit. I am in the middle of projects that bore me to tears, and it is so hard for me to give a shit once I am bored.

3. After A. got off of work, we decided to go back into town and go to dinner and just enjoy the weather. It was so good to reconnect, rather than what has become our routine of late: scarf down dinner together and then separate. It was nice not to go hide from him in the back room to work on The Thesis. It was so nice to talk to him and just enjoy him. I do love that man.

Our little outing together did WONDERS for my mood.

4. I have started to job hunt, in anticipation of finishing The Thesis. I found a job that is part patient advocate (ALWAYS wanted to do this) and part family/patient coordinator/navigator-thingy at a large hospital in Denver. I would love this job. Sure, it would be tough, especially those days when I have to try to get a surgeon to quit being a dick and talk to a patient's family. But I am not in the least bit intimidated by surgeons or other arrogant, entitled fucks, so I think I would be good at it.

I would never be bored in a job like that.

Also? I would always wonder if I was about to be fired! The anticipation! I mean, I doubt surgeons enjoy being called dicks, you know? It would only be a matter of time until I got canned.

5. A goddamn English sparrow has been hanging around our bird boxes. Both a Mountain Bluebird pair (my favorite! I hope they move in!) and a pair of swallows (gorgeous) have been checking out our boxes. And now there is this Asshole Sparrow hanging around, being a bully.

When I stumbled out of the bedroom this morning to pour myself a cup of coffee, I was startled completely awake as A. ran by me, swearing. He is a total morning person, so this was weird behavior. I mean, just minutes before he was singing, "Good Morning! Good Morning! It is good to get out of bed! Good Morning, Good Morning! It is good to get up, sleepy head!" (Fucking morning people.)

Anyway, he rummaged around the hall closet until he found his sling shot (purchased for the sole purpose of Sparrow Deterance), and opened the front door. He was taking aim at the little bully when the sparrow flew away.

"Crafty little devil. He knows what's coming."

We, um, take our role of Protectors of the Bird Boxes rather seriously.

Good Morning and Happy Friday to you!

Oh, Just Cheer the Fuck Up, Already.

2010-05-27T13:28:00.002-06:00

I am in a funk.

There. I said it.

++++

I don't think it is a depression funk, per say. I think it is a normal, life-is-a-pain-and-kind-of-sucks-sometimes funk. I think.

++++

The Thesis is still not finished. It is getting much closer, but damn. It is still alive and taking up much too much of my headspace and energy. I just need to wrap it up, defend it and call it good. I hope to ship it off to my advisor next week. I am sure there will be more revisions after he sees it, but it will be his problem and not mine for a bit.

No doubt this has plenty to do with my mood.

++++

We have gone three days without a fire. It is nearly 80 degrees today. Problem is, I don't believe it.

I keep looking to the horizon to see when storm clouds will move in. There aren't any visible today. I feel totally discombobulated by this turn in weather-related events. Wha? Could it be? Could summer finally be here?

I am not sold just yet.

++++

I have a therapy appointment this afternoon. I am not in the mood. I just want to be left alone today, you know? Hm. Maybe I am in a depression funk. Shit.

Maybe not. Maybe I just don't feel like leaving work, where I am swamped, to go talk to someone about how my mother had more of an impact on my head than I realized. Maybe I am just not in the fucking mood.

++++

I am going to plant my ITTY BITTY garden this weekend. I think. Depends on if I believe Winter has finally left us for a few months.

++++

Perhaps being outside and doing something productive, that has nothing to do with sitting at a computer, will help. Let's hope so.

++++

DAMMIT. I need to cheer up already. What are some things that have made you grateful or delighted lately? Help a grumpy girl out, will ya?

Tid-Bits

2010-05-25T21:27:00.001-06:00

Turns out that $700 of unplanned (or poorly planned, as it were) car work and new tires really wreaks havoc on a budget. A budget with very little wiggle room. Good times.

++++

I have not bothered to update or keep up with our household budgeting for the past two months while working on The Thesis in overdrive. A. could do it, but I haven't asked him too. Maybe I should, seeing as how that $700 had a much bigger impact on my checking account than I'd counted on. He's already handling nearly all the household chores and cooking, however. Maybe I can get my shit together in a couple of hours on Saturday. Gah.

++++

I have to make SIGNIFICANT progress on The Thesis by Sunday, as A. and I are FINALLY going to a Rockies game! A.'s sister and her hubby will be in Denver and I am looking forward to hanging out without any kiddos. Love the niece and nephew, but grown up activities are fun, too!

++++

It snowed and was blizzardy and shitty yesterday. We have only had ONE full 24-hour period where we haven't had a fire going in the stove. Ridiculous.

++++

The last of the snow melted off around noon today, and we finally have some buds showing up on our apple and choke cherry trees. I saw some purple tulips in town today. I have never seen purple tulips.

++++

Boy, this post was a huge waste of your time. Sorry about that.

++++

Happy Wednesday!

Oh, Hi.

2010-05-19T10:52:00.000-06:00

Oh, Hi.

++++

I would like to write but feel guilty not spending time on the Thesis. It is moving forward! Last night was a very productive night, in fact. Wahoo! The end is in sight!

++++

I just locked down my Facebook privacy settings. Apparently I am feeling paranoid.

++++

Perhaps the paranoia is with good reason? Somehow my personal email address, that is not affiliated with this blog or anything leading to this blog, brings up this blog in a Google search. Wha?! Any ideas how this could happen? Possible fixes?

++++

I broke down and bought the Clarisonic Mia (the pink one, even!) and I love it. My skin does look a bit better, it feels totally awesome, and it is so relaxing to run that brush over my forehead at the end of along day. It is like a weird little massage. So. Yay for extravagant birthday gifts!

++++

Carry on.

Not Quite Friday

2010-05-06T22:28:00.000-06:00

I have had too many whiskeys. Many folks on TV have four eyes. The hilarious black guy in the warehouse on The Office? Four eyes.

I have defended my high opinion of Gwenyth Paltrow. Which, regardless of my blood alcohol level, remains steady. No matter her privilege and unreasonable-to-poor-people metabolic diet, I like her.

Also - IT IS SNOWING. SNOWING. YES.

As I post this, it is still May 6. May 6 at 10: 26 p.m. AND IT IS SNOWING. This is the third time it has snowed on May 6, 2010.

I may need more whiskey.

Come on, Universe. Please?

2010-04-29T15:10:00.000-06:00

Currently the skies are as cerulean blue as I have ever seen. There isn't a cloud in sight. It is decieving; all that sunlight bouncing off of the buildings. It is also windy as hell and only about 34 degrees outside. It does not feel like spring in the slightest. Even the snow storm last night felt like a winter storm, not a "spring storm." And the 16 inches (16 INCHES!!!) that fell on Friday definitely didn't feel like a spring storm. As ridiculous as this sounds, it is hard not to start to feel hopeless.

++++

A. will be packing tonight for a 9-day turkey hunt. He has been looking forward to this for months. He put in for vacation time months ago, and has been obsessively studying maps and videos since. He has even taught me how to purr and cluck like a turkey hen (using a slate thingy and a stick, not my voice! Gah.) Every morning for, oh, the last six weeks or so I have awoken to the calls of a turkey hen. He hops out of bed, ready to read more about turkeys until he can't take it anymore and he has to practice his calls. This is how I wake up. Every. Morning.

I must say, I have been a really good sport about it. While this behavior inches me closer to the edge, it is what has kept A. sane. It makes him happy and relaxed to have something to study and a hunt with which to look forward. He is so excited -- so relieved -- to leave the job he hates for a week and spend that time in country he is less familiar with than his traditional haunts. He can't wait to go to sleep under the stars and wake up quietly at dawn. He needs to fill his lungs with fresh air and empty his head of the annoyances of interacting with people all day.

This is his therapy. I may blather on to a patient woman in a small but tasteful office once a week, but he needs to go outside and not talk to anyone for a while. This is his balm to a life he is not too happy with right now. He really, really needs this week in the wilderness.

++++

A. has been applying to jobs for just over a year now. He has received two interviews, a few rejection letters and more often than not, inconsiderate silence from the parties on the other end. For him, it has felt like a year of being told he isn't good enough. That working his way through college and graduate school was an utter waste of time. That he will never live the life he wants. That the little bit he is asking from the Universe is still more than he deserves. That his working toward a goal was foolish nonsense. That he has been duped.

This isn't true, of course. But hoo boy, Ii think it is hard for him. He can only hear that it isn't him, it's the job market so many times, you know? He can only leave the house to go to a job he loathes without any prospects in sight so many days. The process of putting himself out there at the mercy of a shitty economy has been dehumanizing and cruel.

It doesn't matter that others are going through the same thing. It is especially hard for me when a friend gets a promotion or a job they have been hoping for. A. is so kind, he only ever says that he is happy things worked out for them. He never lets himself say (or even think?? I don't know.) that he wishes it was him, just that once, that was delivering some good news.He is so generous and kind. He is so smart and perceptive. He is passionate about conservation smart land management. He would be such an asset to an agency. Why can't they see that?

He needs to be in the wilderness for a while.

+++++

The weather forecast for the entirety of A.'s hunt has been getting shittier and shittier. It is going to be cold, windy, rainy and snowing. Turkeys tend to shut up during weather such as this, making it nearly impossible to find them, much less lure them in with calling.

I am so nervous about his trip. The last thing he needs right now is for this trip to be a miserable bust. Plus, it makes me all sorts of uncomfortable to think he might be wet and cold for days on end. We just bought a new tent, as ours was destroyed by the shitty weather in his elk hunt that went bust. So at least he will have a comfy, roomy tent. But still. I hope that just being out there will do him some good, but damn, it would be great if things went his way for a bit.

Now, don't get me wrong. He is not moping around the house, nor do I think he is spiraling into a depression. He does a great job of finding ways to keep himself happy and he tries not to dwell on the negative. But he is very discouraged when it comes to finding a job in his field. He is still funny and still laughs and is kind. But I can see how this weighs on him, and it is really breaking my heart. What can I do?

I want so badly to go have a talk with The Universe and say, "Hey. This is a good guy. Why are you being such a dick to him?"

Friday Five

2010-04-23T12:18:00.000-06:00

1. I got my stitches taken out this morning. Now I look like my eyebrow has been chewed on, but for the most part it looks and feels great. I don't think the scar will be too noticeable, and I am less concerned about it than I thought I would be. I never once freaked out about the stitches. Major victory in battling The Crazy!

2. I found this awesome, Hippie Approved coffee "sweetener." It is agave nectar flavored with organic vanilla beans. It is delicious and low glycemic. It took some fiddling to figure out how much to use in my coffee this morning, but I am here to tell you I am happily caffinated.

3. It is snowing here again. We woke up to not quite two inches of very heavy snow, and are continuing to be buried under wet, large flakes. We are under a Winter Weather Advisory, and are expected to get seven inches with 40 MPH winds.

4. Please tell me what Spring is like. In detail. And send pictures. Thanks.

5. I still have not purchased anything with the bit of birthday cash I received in February. I am not much for shopping. Especially for myself.

So. What should I get? If I don't purchase something soon I am just going to toss that money on top of a car payment or something. I doubt that is what the generous gift-givers had intended. So.

I have been slightly obsessed with getting a Clarisonic Mia every since Slynnro talked about her full-sized gizmo. I would really love not to have pores like my mother. I love my late mother to no end, but I still do not want to inherit her skin. But, I feel totally ridiculous spending that much money on something for my face. My SCARRED face! My goodness.

But, I would kind of like an iPod Nano, too. I think. I hate buying another Apple thing that is going to trap me into only Apple software, etc. etc. I currently have a 7-year-old G4 Powerbook. It still works. It is slow compared to computers now, but it absolutely still works perfectly.

But the operating system is this [--] much to old for ANY contemporary software or components to work with it. So frustrating. And of course, everything I used on that Mac is not compatible with our Windows 7 machine. I don't know if adding a Nano to the mix will just send me over the edge of Computer Bullshit.

Or, maybe a pair of Chaco sandals? A comfy pair just for running around in, not for fly fishing.

Or - maybe a sewing machine? I would loooove to learn to sew, and already have a bazillion projects in mind. But what if this ends up being a hobby that never goes anywhere?

I don't want a Kindle, mostly because I am trying to get all of my books from libraries.

Help me brainstorm some "fun" things to think about getting. Not just practical stuff.

Happy Friday to you!

Friday Five

2010-04-16T12:54:00.000-06:00

1. This morning I hopped out of bed with loads of plans and motivation. I was going to make yummy oatmeal with a bit of brown sugar, raspberries, and apricots, then bring the recycling to town, haul ass on some final projects at work and call it a day.

Instead, I took one step in the shower and proceeded to ever-so-gracefully fall. Hard. I had one leg hanging out of the tub. I tried catch my fall with my hands, but they were mysteriously totally ineffective. I stopped my fall with my left eyebrow on the edge of the tub.

I had used an olive oil sugar scrub the night before and forgot to rinse out the tub. Let that be a lesson to you. Don't forget to rinse OIL off the floor of your slipper TUB. Jesus, I feel like an idiot.

2. I sort of kicked ass, though, for being such a dumb ass. Once I realized I'd split my face open (!!!) I turned toward the shower, gingerly held the wound open and rinsed it really well. SUCKED.

3. I have 8 stitches. Eight! So far, I have not freaked out. I didn't have an anxiety episode when they gave me the numbing shots or the stitches, either. Yay for crazy meds!

4. I meditated during the whole procedure. Cooky as shit, sure. But it totally helped me keep my shit together.

5. I am off to get some Tylenol and take a nap.

Happy Friday to you!

Up and Down

2010-04-13T21:11:00.000-06:00

The Mountain Bluebirds are back!!!!!!

Oh, Winter. Your grip on us has finally been broken. That said, I would appreciate it if you went easy on us during the upcoming snow storm, okay?

++++

I am reeeeeeeaaaaaally missing DC right now. So freakin' much.

++++

So. You know how I've been waiting for my IRB approval letter? Since February?

MY ADVISOR HAS HAD IT SINCE FEBRUARY 23. He received my copy as well as a copy for his files - ADDRESSED TO HIM.

I only know this because I called and pestered the administrative assistant in the Research office until she tracked down what was going on with my letter. She sent me a scanned copy within five minutes.

TWICE I had mentioned to my advisor that I was waiting for this letter. It was the SOLE SUBJECT of one of the emails.

I AM SO FUCKING OVER THIS ENTIRE BULLSHIT THESIS PROCESS.

+++++

Have a good Wednesday.

Twilight Zone

2010-04-07T09:38:00.000-06:00

I had the most disturbing, vivid dream last night. Again, it was one of those that when I woke up and fell back asleep I rejoined the dream where I left off.

I was pregnant. Twice.

AT THE SAME TIME. OMG.

Somehow I got pregnant with a second baby when I was a few months pregnant with the first. Now, it wasn't just that I was doubly pregnant that was so stressful, it was that I was pregnant at all. I really don't want children, so dreams where I HAVE to have children stress me out very, very much. (I have these dreams frequently.) To the point where I am all weepy and sad and stressed when I wake up. And for most of the day.

(How foolish will I feel if I do want a child later? Eh. Doubtful.)

(Also, nevermind how much I hate that I worry/think about this in the first place - what does it do to my feminist cred, after all: Does this make me evil? Less woman? No, no. I know it doesn't. Do I? Gah. NEVERMIND.)

Anyway. I gave birth to the first baby, a boy, in some weirdass clinic that had to close because something was broken but they let those of us who were there finish delivering. So thoughtful of them! We were all on institutional-green dentist chair-like contraptions, not hospital beds, in the same room. AWKWARD.

I delievered The Boy in about five hours, with only mild discomfort. How is that for awesome! I named him Dylan. Suddenly, Sundry was next to me and was looking for her pants so she could go home. I offered her a pair of mine that I assured her I hadn't delivered my afterbirth in. WEIRD SHIT.

Then, I had the girl. She only weighed five pounds. She was so tiny. Again, a five-hour, not-to-bad delivery. A. was just as stressed as I was about having kids but thought I kicked ass delivery them. So, it wasn't all bad.

I will spare you the many, many, many other details, including not having cribs, caseats, clothes and having to carry the babies in Ann Taylor Loft paper shopping bags. Ann Taylor to the rescue! Oh, and when the boy nursed it was like suction hell, and when the girl nursed, she kept falling asleep and I didn't know if I was supposed to wake her up. She must be hungry, yes?

Anyway. Navigating through today is much like waking up in the Twilight Zone.

Who Wouldn've Imagined Tuesday Would be Better?

2010-04-06T08:46:00.001-06:00

Thank you for letting me freak out a bit. You guys are great. And all reminded me that yes, this is part of the process, the battle wounds I will have to show for it later.

And indeed: good enough is good enough.

UPDATE: This post over at Write to Done couldn't have been better timed.

++++

I g-chatted with BlackSheeped last night and that pretty much made my week. My mood lifted immediately and I remembered just how wonderful my life really is.* How could it be anything other, with people like her in my life?

She sent pictures of Monk and Cab, and well. Enough said.

++++

I had very bizarre dreams last night. It was one of those nights when I wake up from the dream, then drift right back into and continue the storyline. Eh.

Do any of you watch Medium? I do occasionally. I hadn't yesterday, or even for a few weeks. However, in my dreams I was Patricia Arquette's teenage daughter and could hear someone, or something, downstairs. I was standing in her bedroom, asking her to wake up and help me check it out. I was really worried. She was convinced she was dreaming me standing there and wouldn't get out of bed. Sure enough, some scary guy came upstairs and then there were scary "government" (wha???) people outside and it all got scary. Scary, scary. Over and over.

So, needless to say, I was pretty ready to get up this morning and push those dreams aside. And I had a great morning. Played with the pups, made A. laugh his butt off, made the bed, and had a load of laundry going before I even hopped in the shower. I love mornings like these.

A. helped me get the final ingredients ready for dinner and we tossed everything in the crockpot. I even remembered my lunch, and the carton of unopened half-n-half I have been forgetting to bring for my work coffee for over two weeks.

Apparently, a good freak out, BlackSheeped, your comments, followed by a "fuck it, I'm watching Opening Day baseball" does a woman good.

Oh, and it almost feels like spring outside! I saw loads of robins last night on the way home (but no Mountain Bluebirds yet, :-( It is so late! ). Even the little half-inch of snow we got last night has nearly all melted! The skies are blue. Spring just might show up yet.

Happy Tuesday to you!

* I haven't had my coffee yet: how would you write that sentence without it ending in "is?"

Where I Swear An Awful Lot, Thanks to the Thesis and Grad School Hell

2010-04-05T10:16:00.001-06:00

I got feedback from Former Thesis Advisor Who Has Been Reinstated, Dammit (FTAWHBR).

It was vague-ish feedback, but enough for me to know he was unimpressed. I don't really care if he is impressed or not. My respect for FTAWHBR within academics is waning further and further. The thing is, he made all good points. I read his comments and thought, "Oh, yeah. Duh."

I am feeling overwhelmed. On the one hand, I really want to dive back in and get moving on the changes he suggested and move forward while I am inspired by his comments and wide awake and full of energy. Before I have spent my energy on a nine-hour work day. But I can't. I still have six more hours at work. And it is a good thing I am at work, because I am soooo behind here that I need to bust ass and try and get a few priority projects of my desk.

There are no minutes of my day where I am not under the pressure of deadlines. My back is bending from the pressure.

I feel like I am fucking up everything, everywhere for no good reason. What is this all for? I am not proud of the thesis; I don't think it answers any worthwhile question. When stating my thesis (of the thesis, ha!), and then trying to answer the "So what?" question, all I can come up with is, "...um." I just want to finish. Rather, I don't want to not finish. Does that make sense?

FUCK.

Let me share my never-fucking-ending mental dialogue:

Take a deep breath. I just need to back up, clear my head, and revise my plan. Clarify and purge anything that is getting in the way of a clear argument.

What argument? What the fuck am I doing? Do I have any goddamn clue of what I am doing? I am such a goddamn phony. If a degree is confired upon me it just proves what a joke academia really is.

This is a learning process. That is what this is about. It is to learn how to conduct research.
In my case, it is to learn how NOT to conduct it. Jesus Christ.

I just want my life back.

I can get it back when I finish.

What if I can't finish? I have never not finished something! I have NEVER had any trouble at all with academics. I swear, I used to be an imaginative, critical thinker. I could concentrate and focus and made some pretty fucking fantastic observations, if I do say so myself.

Where did that go? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

++++

I am tired.

Spring Showers. In the Solid State.

2010-04-01T11:33:00.001-06:00

Soooooo. I have been a tad occupied by The Thesis lately. So much so, that I did not realize until a few hours ago that Easter is this Sunday. Yeah.

++++

I turned in some sections on Tuesday. I am finishing the Intro and doing more reading while waiting to hear if I am going in the right direction.

++++

I took last night completely off and played cards with the ladies. It was so fun, and exactly what I needed. I came in last both rounds. It was awesome.

++++

I don't know what my officemate is listening to, but it soundd an awful lot like the theme song to the Wonder Pets. While ridiculous, this has delighted me to no end.

++++

I am delighted I know what Wonder Pets are. I am so, so happy to have my nephew, M., in my life.

I love when he has this expression on his face. I feel the same way in the snow.

++++

It is snowing. We woke up to six inches of snow this morning,and it is still coming down. It is a spring storm, heavy and wet. It will all be gone in a few days.

The bummer of it all is we finally could drive the car to the house two days ago. It was so sweet! No more loading the truck up, driving to the highway, parking the truck, hauling all our shit to the car, driving into town, etc. Reverse and Repeat to go home. No more!

Until today.

++++

Stupid snow.

Tender

2010-03-30T09:55:00.000-06:00

I took yesterday afternoon off to work on The Thesis.

While I have the support of my co-workers and office to finish The Thesis and could easily arrange my schedule to work a five-hour day, A. had to work an 11-hour day in a field he hates.. He really hates his job. He hates it so much. (He does like his co-workers, however. Thank goodness for tiny graces, yes?) He has been applying for work in his field for a year. He has been (what feels like) rejected for a year. It is really, really starting to get to him. I feel so helpless.

When I arrived at home, I hunkered down at the computer and focused. I was determined to get as much done as possible in my allotted time. At 6:00 p.m., I saved my work and headed to the kitchen. I made a family recipe I got from A,'s mom and had a warm, comforting dinner ready for A. when he got home an hour later. I had a fire going so the house was cozy amidst the 50-mph winds outside.

I basically tried to make our home a huge hug for him.

It felt like all I could do. It felt good to take care of him. It still feels good.

Friday Five

2010-03-26T10:22:00.000-06:00

1. A.'s friend's mom passed away a few weeks ago when A. went up to stay with his friend. It was good that they were together, I think, for both of them. She was surrounded by family and wasn't in pain. It was the kind of passing you hope for someone you love.

His friend just found out his father has cancer. It is a small growth, but he is not in good health and won't be able to tolerate chemo. So, we are hoping that surgery and radiation will be enough.

Please continue to send good thoughts/vibes/karma.

2. The Thesis is closer to done. Please send good thoughts/vibes/karma my way, if you can spare them.

3. I am really screwing up an important work deadline by taking two days off a week to work on The Thesis. I am trying to convince myself that sometimes shit happens and this is necessary collateral damage. Truth be told, I would much rather the damage be done at work (and unfortunately, likely some work relationships) than at home. Of that I am certain.

4. There are a loads of little birds outside my work window. And hoo, boy! They have a lot on their minds right now. They are really chatting it up. It is delightful.

5. I made my own homemade saltine crackers the other night. They are ridiculously easy and SO! YUMMY!

I also made the Pioneer Woman's Great-Grandmother Iny's cake. The buttermilk only had a couple of days before it would expire, so I had to make it. This is no time to be wasteful!

If you like spice cake, you will love this cake. Don't be afraid of the ingredients. Just go make it right now. It will make just about everything ok.

Happy Friday to you!

Hoth

2010-03-23T12:43:00.001-06:00

Yesterday, A. and I awoketo Buster making a total ruckus in my closet. I threw his blanket in there the other day when I was vacuuming and he has since made my closet his little nighttime den. I find it kind of sweet.

A. got up to investigate, as it was early enough my legs refused to leave the warm bed. He started laughing - hard - and turned on my closet light. I fumbled for my glasses on my nightstand and looked over to see just what the hell was going on at 5:50 a.m.

Buster had managed to get two of my bras, hanging from the closet doorknob, wrapped around his neck like a noose and was stuck. He couldn't lay down and he couldn't leave the closet. He was sitting up, perfectly straight, ears up and wagging his tail, looking at A. with anticipation. He'd been rescued!

Dogs! My God, I love the dogs. And my honey-pie. He was laughing so hard and was so sweet to Buster. I just melt when he is tender to these two creatures we've vowed to care for. LOVE.

++++

I took today off to work on The Thesis. It is a perfect day to be holed up in the back office.

The wind is howling and I can't see the neighbor's house for the blowing snow. This is new snow that arrived last night. Prior to this latest falling, nearly half of the winter's snow had melted! We were making progress! I estimated we only needed three more weeks for the rest of the snow to melt and the roads to dry out so we could re-grate and level them.

Now, I just feel like I am stuck on that goddamn planet in Star Wars, the shitty wintry one.

++++

I am off to get another cup of hot coffee and then I need to dig back in. Progress is slow, but it is progress nonetheless! Happy Tuesday!

Friday Five

2010-03-19T10:25:00.000-06:00

1. It is snowing. Again. The reports all differ, with some sources predicting a couple of inches and others a couple of feet (absurd!). Whatever.

2. All of the administrative crap for The Thesis is completed and accepted! I managed to jump through at least three moving hoops! And one that was on fire! I am a goddess!

My degree check went through and all the relevant departments have been alerted to my intention of graduating. All that is left is the actual, official letter from IRB (rather than the unofficial email I received) and the actual completed and accepted THESIS. Both of which have me nervous. Please, please materialize!

3. The Thesis is moving along well-ish. Not nearly as quickly as I would like, nor as eloquently or insightful. Again: Whatever.

4. I have not practiced meditating for over a week now, and boy, can I tell. I can feel the nagging, incessant anxiety of The Thesis starting to follow me, seep into my thoughts, regardless of where my mind is or should be.

I made a concerted effort last night to put aside time to meditate. I slept so much better and didn't feel that ever-present buzz of anxiety when I woke up.

I whole-heartedly endorse this meditating nonsense!

5. Tonight I am going to embark on a search for muck boots. Where does one find muck boots? A ranch outfitters store?

I have come to terms knowing that they are going to be necessary. Yuck.

The Smell of Poo in the Spring

2010-03-17T09:55:00.002-06:00

The mud. It is epic. It is never-ending.

Our five-foot tall snowdrifts are finally melting, but there is nowhere for the water to go. The land around here isn't used to a lot of moisture, and it is more like dirt than soil. Prairie grass is not known for holding the ground together when it is drenched.

Needless to say, we are knee deep in slippery, snotty, tenacious mud.

The car cannot make it to the house. The mud goes more than halfway up the tires of the truck, and there is one section of road that has ruts at least three feet deep. It has been iffy, getting from the highway to the house, even in four-wheel-drive.

The drifts are still a good 2-3 feet high. We aren't even close to the other side of this yet.

++++

The winds this year were just so that our backyard is ENTIRELY drifted in, up PAST the top of the doghouse. We've had to dig paths out for the dogs so they can get around and get to the doghouse. Buster now uses the drifts to get on top of the dog house to lay in the sun. That has always been Belle's favorite spot and a surefire way to get away from Buster for a while. Now I find them sitting up there together, watching the hills.

The thing is, not only is the backyard going to be the most hideously muddy pit once this finally melts, it is also going to be full of poo. Currently, there are layers of poo strata in those drifts, results of storm after storm after storm. (And forget about trying to pick up poo frozen to the snow. It just doesn't work very well.) Eventually, this is all going to have to be dealt with, in one stinky, soggy, hideous mess.

OH. MY. GOD.

Usually the wind blows the snow away and we have very little melt to deal with. We can attend to the poo in the backyard regularly, and it isn't an issue.

OH. MY. GOD.

I haven't the foggiest idea how to deal with this. I mean, the actual logistics of such an operation.

Thank goodness we most likely have a few more weeks to figure it out.

Suggestions?

Friday Five

2010-03-05T09:19:00.000-07:00

1. We received news last night that A.'s friend's mom will most likely not make it through the day. Please pray/send good thoughts to A.'s friend, JB and his family. Also, please keep A. in your thoughts; it is very much like losing another parent to him.

Maybe think of me, too, that I might be a good support to those who need it right now.

2. I did manage to write another page for The Thesis last night before, well, things came up.

3. The air this morning smells so clean. It has been in the 40s the past few days and snow is starting to turn to slushy ickiness and the road to the house is pure mud. (My car can't get through it, and is parked at the highway. Yay, Winter!) It snowed last night, a heavy wet snow but it just made everything so clean. It is still quite warm outside, and it is just delightful. I believe I will go for a walk over my lunch hour and just revel in it.

4. I am craving ice water with slices of cucumber and lemon. If you've never tried this, I highly recommend it. Come to think of it, that is kind of what the air smells like today. Just so damned refreshing!

5. My nephew, M. I am sorry, but objectively, HE IS THE CUTEST KID IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

Progress

2010-03-04T12:07:00.000-07:00

Eh, my thesis progress was minimal last night, I only got a couple of pages roughly written. Bleh. But. Two poor pages is better than no good ones! Right?

++++

Tonight's evening is wide open, so I should be able to get quite a bit done tonight. I need to feel like things are moving forward more quickly than they have been the past few days.

++++

I am still planning on taking tomorrow night off. I like to take Friday night's off, because 1) I am usually much to tired and loopy to make any kind of sense after 5:00 p.m. on Friday, and 2) it is just SAD and PATHETIC to come home Friday night after a full work week and work on HOMEWORK. No way.

++++

Damn! I just realized the Office Baby is due tonight! Gah! If I get lots done before the show, maybe I can dive back in after? Shit. Now I really wish we had DVR.

++++

Happy Thursday to you!

Diggin' In and Diggin' Out

2010-03-03T09:03:00.000-07:00

I have taken a few days off from Thesis Bullshit and really need to get my act in gear. I want to Omaha for my nephew's second birthday, and I refuse to apologize for that. But, the Thrusday before I left? And last night? Yeah, I had no excuse. I should have been working.

++++

*brisk hand clap*

So! I have a game plan for tonight, and am determined to have five new pages of written material before 8:30 p.m.

++++

I need you all to bug me tomorrow and ask me how many pages I finished. Hopefully the pressure of having to come clean will keep my butt in my home office chair.

++++

It has warmed up above freezing for the first time in months, and it is DELIGHTFUL. The mud? Not so much. My car is parked at the highway because it can't get through the mud to the house. It never ends. Bah.

++++

Happy Wednesday to you!

Yep. I wrote some words and posted them.

2010-02-23T12:43:00.000-07:00

I actually posted something over at A Fledgling Artemisia. Imagine that!

My Ass. It Has Been Kicked.

2010-02-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

Oy. I am still feeling very overwhelmed.

++++

A very close friend of A.'s that he grew up with is going through a very difficult time. Both of his friend's parents are in the ICU (with different conditions). It is bleak.

A. is concerned for his friend, but he is also struggling. His friend, J.'s, parents are like a second set of parent to A. He grew up in their household as much as he did his own.

Please keep them all in your thoughts, please.

++++

I updated more IRB materials and submitted them last night. I have already heard back from the IRB office, and for that I am very thankful. However.

I have another couple of hours of changes to make to my proposal.

What if I never get to actually finish THE THESIS?

++++

I have a work deadline tomorrow that is KICKING MY ASS.

++++

How are you doing?

Turns Out Writing a Whiny Post Lifts the Spirits a Bit!

2010-02-17T13:42:00.001-07:00

I have been feeling very, very BLAH the past few days. I don't know what it is. We have been staying up a bit later than usual to watch the Olympics, so that may be part of it. I have discovered that my sleep patterns need to be pretty rigid or else I notice my mood changes.

I hope it is not that it is time to start tweaking the meds. I guess time will tell?

++++

Otherwise, things are great. The thesis is moving forward and I should defend in the end of April! Oh, GOD! That is so freakin' soon, and yet it can't come quickly enough. I still have LOADS of work to do by then, but I am happy to do it. The past couple of days I have been dealing with Institutional Review Board crap and other administrative bullshit. Just more hoops to jump through. Hoops that move. And are sometimes on fire. And are thrown by lawyers. Or, worse, academics.

++++

I am also very, very ready to be outside of the academic atmosphere for a while. I just need a view other than an ivory tower.

++++

I am really behind at work. And the blah's aren't helping me feel motivated to get caught up. I feel buried.

++++

I suppose I am just really overwhelmed, and there is no respite. Work is busy and stressful, home is busy and stressful.

++++

I am not nearly so blah as this post would suggest. Or rather, writing this post and getting a couple of things crossed off my to-do list have lifted my spirits a bit.

++++

I will get to the finish line. And then I will train for another race!

How are YOU?

A Walt Witman Kind of Morning

2010-01-21T09:12:00.000-07:00

It is a gorgeous morning. Yes, it is overcast and gray and you can just feel that it is going to snow soon.

But it is also absolutely still, and just the right kind of crisp is in the air. It is quiet, and slow. No one seems to be in much of a hurry, not even the weird, non-hibernating, campus squirrels.

The sunrise was intensely beautiful. I have talked with three people in the office, one a professor and our department head, one a staffer, and one a custodian. Everyone mentioned the spectacular sunrise and asked, reverently, if I had seen it. It was one of those kind of sunrises.

I feel fortified. Strengthened by the knowledge that all of us have something in common: we all started our day grateful for the divine earth.

It is going to be a good day.

Friday Five

2010-01-15T10:55:00.001-07:00

1. Last night, as A. and I were walking to the house in the dark, I misjudged the end of a snowdrift and flung myself into it, face first with no attempt to soften the landing on my part, in true slap-stick, spazz-out style. I thought it the perfect and most appropriate end to the day.

2. I pointed out the snow drift to A. this morning, and he said, "Why yes, I can tell your face landed there, your knees there, and your hands there. Your keys are still there." Good thing I pointed out my clumsiness to A. or else my keys would have been buried in snow until June. I had no idea I'd dropped them.

3. I am meeting with The Thesis Committee next week (it only took a month to herd them all into the same room at the same time!) to go over my progress. I am both excited and horrified. That sounds about right.

UPDATED TO ADD:

4. In more ridiculousness, I find knitting on two single-pointed needles much more difficult/annoying that using five double-pointed needs. What the hell?

5. I have nothing planned this weekend but some housework and loads of Thesis Time. As my plans already have me bored, why don't you tell me what you will be up to? Let me live vicariously through you, please!

Happy Friday to you!

Incapable

2010-01-14T11:12:00.001-07:00

I am at home.

It is 11:09 a.m. on a Thursday. A work day.

I have not had a relaxing morning.

I have been digging my car out. My wee Civic that I managed to get stuck in a minuscule yet determined snow drift as I tried to drive down the lane from the house this morning. I have been digging and digging, in work clothes (and work socks and shoes!), I have shoved my floor mats under my tires, I've tried everything I can by myself.

I am stuck.

The part that is most frustrating, aside from my work clothes clinging to my sticky, sweaty body and my once-styled hair plastered around my head, is that I have a therapy appointment in one hour. That I think I am going to have to cancel.

I had to cancel last week, too, due to snow/vehicle/stranded issues.

I feel horrible, and really totally pathetic. I worry that my therapist either thinks that I am so incompetent as to not be able to leave my house, or that I am bailing on therapy. I am not bailing on therapy, so....

Gah.

Fucking winter and my inability to deal with it.

Artemisia's Homemade Hot Chocolate

2010-01-06T09:34:00.001-07:00

When I posted this a few days ago, I doubled the recipe, but forgot to double the amount of milk. Below is the updated version.

I thought I would post this as I look out the window and is it blustery and blizzarding and my feet keep kicking my humungo snow boots I have stored under my desk.

Stay warm, everyone!

Artemisia's Homemade Hot Chocolate
1/2 C semi-sweet chocolate chips or chopped chocolate, plus more if you want it really chocolately,

2 tsps instant coffee crystals

1/2 tsp cinnamon

healthy dash of red chile powder
tiny splash of vanilla
2 cups milk

Heat half the milk and all of the chocolate, stirring until thoroughly melted and incorporated. (I found it combines much smoother if you heat it in 30 second intervals in the microwave, stirring between intervals.)
Once combined, add the other ingredients, stir until combined. Add the other half of the milk. This should cool it down enough to enjoy immediately!

New Year!

2010-01-05T11:43:00.002-07:00

Happy New Year!

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season. We were able to make it to A.'s folks place for Christmas and were there with four nieces and nephews as they waited for Santa. So! Fun! Kids really do make the holidays magical, don't they? It was so nice to be there with everyone; we are only able to get together like that once a year, if we are fortunate.

++++

Together, A. and I rung in the new year rather quietly. We played a game of Monopoly, a few rounds of Norwegian Whist, and watched a movie. We dozed off before midnight but had set an alarm so we could wish each other a happy new year at midnight. It was just right.

++++

A. and I are still working on our goals for the new year, collectively as a family and individually. Some family goals are to pay of the credit card, go on "dates" more often, and learn cribbage.

Some of my individual goals are to defend my thesis this spring. I don't see that as a problem, actually. I know it will happen. I want to learn three new skills this year. They can be whatever, just as long as they are new to me. Sewing? Archery? Running? Making pasta from scratch?

Getting serious about prioritizing fitness into our health goals crosses over as both a family and individual goal. A. is much better about this than I am; he usually gets to the gym at least three times a week as it is. He wants to make it at least six times.

Me? I am going to continue yoga, but with more dedication and focus. And.... I am going to try and take up running again. My best friend,JelBel , has been running quite regularly for a few years now, and it does so much good for her, both physically and mentally. And also, um, I am totally inspired by Tess and Sundry. I mean, really, really inspired. So, thanks ladies!

I got over being nervous about being TOTALLY CLUELESS and went in to a fancy-pants running store. Actually, it was great. It was a good store, and the sales lady was just happy to help me get started running. No one made me feel like a dunce for not already being a marathoner. Whew!

I walked on a treadmill and had my lower half video taped. I didn't run, as I had just had wings and a beer for lunch. (I am totally on the right track, yes!?) Turns out, I land perfectly on my feet - who knew? It sure doesn't feel like it is natural and proper, but hey. Maybe I will just get used to flailing around.

I tried on four pairs of running shoes, and finally settled on some Nikes. I think they are the kind that can plug into an iPod and give you running info. Of course, I am not going to spring for that stuff now and I have a shuffle that is incompatible, anyway. But! They are comfy! And I bought them specifically to start running.

I am trying them out tonight! I am also going to try running ON A TREADMILL. Oh, dear Lord, keep be from getting sucked under the contraption, please. A runner friend of mine thought I might avoid shinsplints this go 'round if I ran on the treadmill, rather than the indoor track. So, I am going to give it a shot. My plan is to start very humbly. Five minutes of walking, one minute of running. And gradually reverse those ratios.

"Start running" is the rather vague goal. The concrete goal is to run in one legit 5K within the year.

Want to know a couple of my long-term fitness goals? Ultimately, I want the ability to do the following yoga poses:

How awesome is this? It may not look like much at first glance, but man, it blows my mind. First, I am so inflexible that to achieve this pose will be super. Second, you are totally standing straight up and are totally upside down. That has to mess with your mind and balance. Also, this pose should require loads of lower back and core strength, which I will someday be delighted to know of which I am capable. And I can't imagine how wonderfully tension in my shoulders and neck would just flow right out of my body and into the earth while in this pose.

This pose demonstrates to me what I want my yoga practice to be.

Next, I want to accomplish this pose, because it will mean that I have gradually built up a tremendous about of strength and bad-assery:

And speaking of bad-assery, someday I will do a set of one-armed pull ups. I don't have a photo of this, as a google image search for this brings up pictures of bulgy muscly men doing chin ups with midgets on their backs. Not my thing.

So! What goals have you made?

Holiday Meme

2009-12-23T11:31:00.000-07:00

We will decide today at 5:00 p.m. when A. gets off work if we will try to drive across the state. The current road conditions for our trip are slick with blowing snow. I expect we will be staying here. While I am a bit sad, all your suggestions for little traditions for just the two of us have me all warm and fuzzy!

For lack of anything else to say:

Eggnog or hot chocolate? I am not a picky or cautious eater, but I can't get past the word eggnog. Too many "g"s in the back of the throat. *gag* Hot chocolate from scratch, baby!

Artemisia's Homemade Hot Chocolate
1/2 C semi-sweet chocolate chips or chopped chocolate, plus more if you want it really chocolately,

2 tsps instant coffee crystals

1/2 tsp cinnamon

healthy dash of red chile powder
tiny splash of vanilla
1 cup milk

Heat half the milk and all of the chocolate, stirring until thoroughly melted and incorporated. (I found it combines much smoother if you heat it in 30 second intervals in the microwave, stirring between intervals.)
Once combined, add the other ingredients, stir until combined. Add the other half of the milk. This should cool it down enough to enjoy immediately!

Does Santa wrap the presents or leave them under the tree? Santa wraps the presents and then leaves them under the tree.

Colored lights on a tree or white? White. Once those go out, A. will insist on colored lights.

Do you hang mistletoe? Uh, no.

When do you put your decorations up? The weekend after Thanksgiving.

What is your favorite holiday dish? Oh, my. I love it all. Definitely not the lutefisk.

Snow: love it or hate it? I love it unless I have to drive in it.

Can you ice skate? Um, skate is a strong work. I can ice wobble.

What is your favorite holiday dessert? I love the caramel cookies and this other jello, pretzel, whipped cream dessert my grandmother makes.

What is your favorite holiday tradition? Oddly, going to church.

Candy canes: yum or yuck? Bleh.

Favorite Christmas show? How the Grinch Stole Christmas (original cartoon) and the Nutcracker Ballet.

Obsessively Refreshing my Weather.com Homepage

2009-12-21T13:55:00.001-07:00

I am trying to come to terms with the knowledge that I did not get either Christmas cards or Christmas cookies distributed this season.

*sniff*

But, I have had my shopping/gift-making done for a couple of weeks, and the peace that has accompanied these last few days is so worth it.

However! I get to play around with New Year's Appropriate cookies, cookie cutters, icing and letter templates. Yay for something new!

++++

The weather does not look like it is going to cooperate with our trip north to spend Christmas with A.'s family. I am getting pretty twitchy about this. Like, hella twitchy. Mostly because all the nieces and nephews and brothers and sisters in A.'s family will be there. The kids ages range from nearly seven to almost two, and nothing makes Christmas as fun and kids, especially kids waiting for Santa! More than once I have been bewildered by my own wish that the kids wouldn't grow up so quickly, and the holidays really bring this desire into focus. How many Christmases will we all be together with the kids, waiting for Santa?

Also, we are supposed to have a family photo taken on the 26th. They invited me to be in the family photo! I am kind of over the moon. Also, I really, really want an updated family photo. So badly. Because, again, the kids are growing like weeds and we need to document them as often as possible! Gah!

So. I am trying to deal with the possibility of not making it to northern Wyoming for Christmas like a grown up. I am failing pretty miserably.

++++

I do, however, kind of look forward to a Christmas that is just A. and I. How sweet!

I need your suggestions, idea, musings. What would be a nice Christmas tradition for the two of us to start? We have a couple of small traditions already. I buy him a Christmas Wreath scented Yankee candle after Thanksgiving and he give me a bottle of lotion in my stocking (something his late father always did for his mother).

What can we do on Christmas Day? Do you and your significant other have something that makes the day special for the two of you (that you don't mind sharing)? How about your folks, or an aunt and uncle? Do they have some sweet traditions?

Friday Five

2009-12-18T12:49:00.000-07:00

1. Night before last I dreamt that Michelle Obama came to visit me and my two best friends, DPR and JelBel. We tried to play some music for her on three different saxophones, but had forgotten some of the notes. I felt a bit ridiculous, but she just smiled her awesome smile. We decided to call it a night, and she insisted on sleeping on the couch. I fretted about finding her a blanket that wasn't covered in dog hair.

The next mornig we decided to show Mrs. Obama some of the Wyoming landscape. While DPR and JelBel took her to see some random land formation, I babysat Buster, Belle, and Bo, The First Pup, and made breakfast from scratch.

Mrs. Obama was wearing a really pretty, cream skirt suit and heels and I woried about her hiking in those heels.

WEIRD.

2. I did not get Dream Job. I didn't even get an interview! Honestly, that surprised the hell out of me. What surprises me more is that I am not devastated. Disappointed, sure. But feeling totally okay. I still fee like I would have kicked ass at that job and I am pretty sure they are idiots for not hiring me. I am not doubting that. How cool is that?

3.I have applied for another job for which I am positive I will be amazing. (Smug, much?) I need my Thesis Advisor send an ABD (All But Dissertation) letter to Who-I-Hope-Will-Be-My-Future-Employer. That feels lame. Also, this is the advisor who is not so good with details or timeliness. I think I am going to call his ass at home and request the letter. So far, he has not acknowledged my email about it. Yeah. I am calling him. I think it is well within his responsibilities as an advisor and mentor to help me get a job, yes?

4. Last night A. and I went to my office Christmas party. It was a really fun evening, surrounded by really good people. I am so fortunate and grateful for my co-workers. This is not hyperbole; they are good people. I don't necessarily want to leave my current job, though I wouldn't mind a new challenge, that is for sure. I don't want to leave these co-workers. But, A. and I are trying to move on to post-grad school goals, and so it goes. I do want to put us in a position where A. can start to pursue his goals. That is my most current goal. Certainly not my only goal, but for right now, for Team A. & Artmeisia, that is what has to happen.

5. Did you know that an ingrown hair that turns nasty is considered a boil? A boil? I guess I thought of boils as some random, medieval trial of some sort. You know, that when away with the advent of soap.

I happened across that delectable tid-bit during some random googling yesterday, and it was not googling about icky skin infections, either. A BOIL. Yuck.

Anyway, Happy Friday to you!

Friday Five

2009-12-11T15:58:00.000-07:00

1. Why, hello there!

2. How about some riveting weather chit chat, eh? What can I say? When it is -40 with windchill weather is kind of an omnipresent topic, you know?

We've had enough snow and wind to totally drift my car in at the house. We are a one-truck household right now. I kind of like it when this happens. I feel like such a team, what with A. and I planning our schedules and helping each other out. It is kind of sweet. In a pain-in-the-ass, bitch-under-your-breath, poke-your-eyes-out-with-the-fireplace-poker sort of way.

It has been somewhere around -15 and -22 for nearly two weeks now, with highs reaching 4 degrees, at best. To keep our pipes from freezing we've kept the wood stove going throughout the night. This means A. and I take turns getting up at 1:30 a.m. or 4:00 a.m. to add wood to the fire. I am so flippin' tired! I was positively delirious when my alarm went off this morning at 4:00 a.m. No, really. It was one of those wake up's where you are pretty much back asleep as you hit the off button. Thankfully A. got up and took care of the fire, because it never even crossed my mind at 4:00 a.m.

I am in total awe of all parents who survive keeping infants alive. Dear lord.

3. We are working on training Buster and Belle to stay at home without us without anxiety, but they aren't there just yet. This has been a bit of a bummer with the super sub-zero temperatures. We can't leave the dogs in their doghouse, even if it is very well insulated. I worked from home three days during this two-week cold snap so the dogs could rough it by taking their naps next to the fire. But I have run out of remote work (unless I configure my home system differently, which I might try and do this weekend.) So, I decided to day-board the dogs at the fancy-schmancy vet in town for the last three sub-zero days. (It was surprisingly inexpensive, just $13/day for both pups.)

So, for most of this week I drop A. off at work in the morning then drop the dogs off at the vet. Again, I don't know how people have kids and schlep them all off to school and daycare and whatnot before going to work. Saints, the whole lot of you.

Wednesday night, in her excitement TO! BE! FREE!, Belle ripped a toenail clear out when she exited the kennel. She didn't make a peep, or pay any notice to her foot. She was too busy squirming around, saying hi. We couldn't help but notice all of the blood all over the lobby floor, however. Holy. Shit. That had to hurt, but you wouldn't know it by how Belle was jumping around, wagging her tail. (Needless to say, I was really glad we were boarding them at a vet's office.)

Poor thing had to get the nail sheath completely removed and her little paw is all wrapped up. She hasn't whimpered, whined, wobbled, limped or licked at her foot at all. In fact, I have to keep her from rough housing with Buster and jumping up on the bed. I don't think she even felt it, the lunatic.

The antibiotics must have been a bit of a shock to her system, however. When I went to lift her out of the truck Thursday to carry her in to the vet's, I discovered, by way of olfactory horror, she had barfed up her breakfast. Yay! Not only did we have to dig our way out driftd snowpack that morning, but I got to scoop up doggy puke from all over the gear shift! Wahoo!

4. We went through our entire wood pile on the front porch, seeing as how we've been keeping the stove going nonstop. So, last night, A. and I bundled up in long underwear, jeans, turtlenecks, sweatshirts, snowpants, winter coats, balaclavas, hats and gloves and hauled wood to the front porch. It wasn't too windy, and was just above zero, so it wasn't nearly as miserable as I anticipated. But, still. It is a shit ton of work.

Yes, Thursday was a spectactular day, if you were wondering.

5. As I was digging chopped wood out of a snow drift, it once again became clear that my survivial is not automatic. It is not a given. Regardless of all the illusions we put up to make us think otherwise.

So, while the past couple of weeks have left me tired, sore, and sometimes delirious, I am grateful for the tangible reminder of my mortality, of my fragile agreement with the Universe to keep breathing.

I plan to enjoy every inhale and exhale.

Happy Friday to you!

The Creative Bone in My Body is Healing!

2009-11-24T15:05:00.000-07:00

I have not worked on The Thesis for a bit. I have a meeting with Former Thesis Advisor #1 Soon-to-Be Thesis Advisor #3 in one week. With Thanksgiving and a trip to Utah (Tabiona, if you are interested) to see my grandmother in between.

Ha ha ha ha. Oh, shit. HA HA HA HA HA HA.

It is my own fault. I am able to concentrate and whatnot, I just haven't forced myself to work on it.

I am having a hard time sitting down at the drab desk in the overcrowded home office. It almost feels like a punishment. I feel lonely in that room. I don't even like to update my budget or mess around with photos in that room. I feel badly saying that, as A. has tried reorganizing it for me on more than one occasion in hopes of me clicking with the room. No luck, so far.

I'd rather be hanging out in the living room, teaching myself how to knit and crochet. And maybe even sew.

Because, you see, I am starting to feel the creative in me again. Ever so slightly. I have long hidden it, for some reasons I understand, and for reasons that are currently too vaporous for my mind to wrap around. I am not quite ready to start painting again. But soon. Soon.

Part of it, I believe, is just that I am actively a part of my life, my world again. And the way I interact with the world is creatively, with imagination. I am not saying I am wonderfully creative or that my imagination is all that, just that those are my points of intersection with the world. Where my mind, my heart and my spirit find connections with the world in which I live. I suppose you could say these are the avenues of my reality.

I can't believe how much of my life was taken by depression and anxiety. I am thrilled to have it back. For a while, I was so protective of it, and terrified the depression would gradually sneak back in and steal it away. I am finally starting to trust that I am learning what my depression was and that I will recognize it if it resurfaces. A. keeps an eye on me, too. If I start to slip, I know he will approach me about it. I am so, so, so grateful for that.

Maybe I should tackle the home office as a project? Make it a space that I create, and therefore, as space I can create in?

Perhaps I will take some pictures and upload them. I will need lots and lots of help. Lots of ideas on how to do this with an itty bitty budget. Also, I like the idea of reusing existing materials or used furniture as much as possible. You know, save it from the landfill, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I don't have a lick of interior design talent -- or hell, even competency. I do, however, think I want to go with this color scheme:

That is supposed to be brushed steel on the right and wood grain on the bottom. Heh.

Thoughts?

Balmy

2009-11-19T11:41:00.000-07:00

I have a huge report due by the end of the day today and I am avoiding it like a champ. My blood pressure ought to be fantastic around 4:50 p.m.

++++

I returned Monday from a road trip with my sisters and nephew. My youngest sister and I met our other sister in Omaha, and from there we drove to Fargo for a cousin's wedding. We had not seen that side of the family in close to 20 years. There were a lot of new little people to meet.

My grandmother was able to attend. She is in her late 80s and has been in pretty good health until the last couple of years. She suffered a stroke nearly a year ago and her speech is affected. She can still talk, but what she is thinking in her head doesn't come out quite right. She is learning how to handle her frustrations.

She actually communicates much better than I was anticipating, and we were all able to catch up. Her mannerisms are all intact, and for whatever reason that comforted me. She would run her hands through her hair when she was talking about my little nephew. She couldn't get enough of his curls. Oh, his curls!

Her funny little mannerisms acted like a balm, as I was really shocked at how frail she has become. I always thought of her as a stubborn ox. Now she looks like a little bird. It is hard to acknowledge that soon she will pass on. But as hard as that is, I am so grateful to be a part of the journey with her.

All of her grandchildren and great-grandchildren -- except one -- were together at the wedding. She absolutely beamed.

It was pretty awesome.

++++

Spending nearly 32 hours in a car over the long weekend was not as awesome. I love road trips, but this one was packed a bit tight.

++++

However! I was trapped in a car with this little cutie for 14 of those hours!

I defy you to find a cuter kid.

++++

The weather in Fargo, North Dakota was wonderful. At home, however, A. got nearly eight inches of snow and temperatures below zero for three days straight.

What the hell?

Also, the mercury hasn't risen above freezing yet.

Forgive Us

2009-11-10T12:44:00.002-07:00

Six hours from the time I am typing this post, John Allen Muhammad will be executed.

John Allen Muhammad was the mastermind behind the DC Sniper shootings.

I was genuinely scared when he and his young partner, Lee Boyd Malvo, slipped in and out of the DC area, seemingly invisible, shooting people indiscriminately. I felt like game for a hunter. A hunter I didn't understand, so I didn't know how to hide. First, there were reports of a white van at all the shootings. Of course there were; every service company has a white van. That didn't stop my heart from beating faster when I saw a white van parked on my quiet little street, however.

From my Metro stop, I had to walk through a crowded shopping area. Then my route became isolated. Abruptly. I had to climb 86 stairs that crossed a large, tree-filled park. The stairs and path were brightly lit, the park was dark and the trees provided adequate camouflage. At the top of the stairs was a road that lead to entrance ramps to three different major freeways, only 100 yards away.

It seemed a perfect location for an attack.

I stopped staying at home. I packed a suitcase and stayed at my boyfriend's.

I put my life on hold on account of terror.

This time, an execution feels personal.

++++

I am positively sick. I do not, absolutely do not, want this man to be killed. I think it is nothing short of barbaric that we as a collective, as a government, as a people, condone killing someone, anyone.

It is no less righteous if we call it execution. It is still exerting power over another and deeming it lawful to take someone's life.

I will always believe that every life is divine and deliberate. Perhaps that is simply the stronghold Catholicism still has over me. Maybe not so Catholic, I extend this to non-human life, as well.

Obviously, I think the lives Muhammad and Malvo took were also divine. Do not think that I don't care for the families and friends who lost someone dear to them. They weigh heavy on my heart -- my soul -- as well.

++++

Today is a dark day. I feel connected to it. I was more frightened by the Sniper than I was on 9/11 or the weeks following the 9/11 attacks. I have a visceral memory of my heart beating wildly the night I walked up those steps, and then later back down, with a packed suitcase, fleeing from my home.

Forgive us for we know not what we do.

Puppy Steps

2009-11-03T13:03:00.000-07:00

Well, I was leaning quite heavily toward crate training Buster and Belle, and holy cow, you all pushed me the rest of the way. Thanks for all of your suggestions and support. Much of your advice echoes the plan we have in place and that makes me rest a bit easier. It certainly makes A. feel better. I think he finally believes me that we can introduce the crates to the pups and it won't be a prison.

I wasn't a part of the pups lives when they were "trained." In fact, I've never taken part in training a dog - ever. So, this is all kind of new for me. I am just lucky that I have really well-behaved pups (for the most part). Really, the only time they cause trouble is if we leave them alone in the house.

My ultimate goal is to crate train the ding dongs and use that training to then train them to be in the house alone. You know, introduce them to being home alone much the same way as we will introduce the crates - a bit at a time and with plenty of positive reinforcement. All the while, taking steps to ease any anxiety. So! There will be much watching TV with our coats on and keys in hand! Plus, then they will have the crates as their established "safe place." I'd really rather not keep them cooped up in the crates all day. They are active dogs. I doubt they'd like to be in a crate for four hours at a time.

We haven't purchased the crates yet. We are trying to figure out where, in our itty-bitty house, to set them up. We would like to set them up in the living room/kitchen area, as that is were we spend most of our time. But damn, I have no idea how to reconfigure the living room to accomodate two very large crates. (I am kind of re-thinking my Will Always Have Two Dogs philosophy.) Eek!

Since we will be taking this training slowly, the introductions to the crates will happen during the day. We may or may not eventually use them overnight. The dogs are always calm and never get into anything at night. However, it would be nice to know the dogs can sleep in their crates calmly overnight should we find ourselves in a place/situation that calls for it.

To kick start this all off, I purchased two Extreme (!?!?!) Kong's. Now, you need to understand something. Our dogs don't play with toys, dog or otherwise. They look at you like you've lost your fool head by throwing a ball and then chattering at them in high-pitched voices like an idiot. There is not tug-of-war. There is only wrestling between the two of them, and occasionally A. will join it.

I was hoping the Kong's would work as something to occupy their wee little brains for a bit and could be used as a part of crate training. If they took to them, instead of ignoring them completely. (My other fear, of course, is that Buster will get so damn anxious to get The! Food! that he will eat the entire damn Kong.)

You guys! My dogs acted like dogs! They love those things! Of course, they have both figured out how to flip it over and get the kibble out already. So now we are using a combo of kibble smeared in peanut butter and homemade treats that are a bit bigger and have to be maneavured inside. They love them! It keeps them occupied for a good 45 minutes and then they are wiped out. They have completely forgotten about their J-E-R-K-Y night-time snack! So! Wiped! Out! And! Buster is so SMRT! He has not eaten the entire toy out of frustration.

Wahoo!

Doggy Anxiety - Need Advice!

2009-10-30T15:54:00.000-06:00

Buster and Belle are going to be turning 10 this winter. You would never know it. They haven't slowed down a bit. They still play rambunctiously with each other multiple times a day, they go for mile-long walks without any sign of tire or strain. Their eyes are clear and their hearing seems a-okay. Hooray for muddled mutt-DNA!

I want them to stay this way for as long as possible, obviously. So, as winter approaches -- or rather, as WINTER CONTINUES UNTIL THE END OF FREAKIN' TIME -- I'd like to keep them inside during the day when the temperature drops below 20 degrees or it is really windy. Give their joints a little break. (Belle might not like this plan, actually. She loves the snow and cold. She will lay down with her legs spread clear out and her belly in the snow. Weirdo.)

The problems are these: Belle likes to tear apart tissues in the trash and Buster eats everything in sight. (Case in point: we left them inside today and they found wheat berries, fermenting meusli, and sunflower seeds. This ought to be fun later.) They break out of the laundry room to do this.

So clearly, we have some separation anxiety issues here. (They exhibit none of this behaviour when either A. or I are home.)

They don't seem to get stressed out when they are left outside, however. The don't dig, they don't whine, they don't try to escape. They bark their fool heads off at The UPS Truck, but they do that all the time. (What is it with that big, brown truck that makes them go batshit crazy?)

We started Buster on doggie prozac a few months ago to help with his increasing fear of thunderstorms. He became even more high-strung on the drugs! Any quick movement or loud noise sent him shaking. We took him off the meds.

However, maybe, this is about routine? They know the drill - when we leave they go outside. Maybe we just need to condition them to another routine, where they stay in the house alone? If so, do you think crate training would be worth a try?

The current strategy I want to put in place is this: begin gradual and consistent desensitizing and re-conditioning about being left inside alone while very, very gradually introducing crates as an awesome, safe place to be. I don't plan on leaving them in the crates alone until well after I feel like the desensitizing and re-conditioning have settled in.

Perhaps I should put Buster on the anxiety meds again? Maybe he will get better with them since it isn't thundering right now?

Boy, I should have started this in May. Oops.

Thoughts? Advice? Help!

Boo Humbug

2009-10-29T09:10:00.000-06:00

We have loads of snow. It is hard to say how much exactly because the 30 MPH winds are drifting it everywhere. Bah.

++++

I have two Boo's to deliver and they are currently trapped in my car, which is trapped at the mechanic's because all roads in and out of town are closed and the parts for the repair are stuck 66 miles south. I was so excited to go Boo-ing, darn it.

++++

It is still snowing. Good times!

++++

Happy Thursday to you!

Forecast: Quiet

2009-10-27T13:08:00.000-06:00

I came home Saturday evening from a fun visit with my friend, AGR, to discover that I had no phone or internet. Turns out, the line to the house was cut somehow, and they will try and fix it in about a week.

So, I am currently being naughty and posting from work. Shhhh!

We are supposed to get up to two feet of snow in the next day and a half. What do you expect the changes to be that the phone/internet line be put in before the storm?

Yeah, so all things internet will be light for a bit.

And, I am preparing some work projects so I can work from home, without an internet connection because two feet of snow? My little Civic will just whimper and refuse to move.

Stay warm! May winter not be so eager to greet you as it is here!

The tires are the things on your car that make contact with the road.*

2009-10-20T10:59:00.000-06:00

So. That job I mentioned? Thanks for all the support! I am going to apply.

I met with the fella currently in the position for a beer last weekend and we talked shop. (He is also a graduate of my grad program. Go, American Studies in the public sector!) The job sounds 70 percent amazing and right up my alley. A solid 10 percent will be a challenge, and that is exciting. That other 20 percent? Well, it involves me traveling. A lot. Now, this isn't hop on a plane, stay in fancy places, eat at yummy restaurants, work while on the plane, etc. kind of travel. This is get in a car, drive by yourself for four, five, maybe eight hours a day, stay in Super 8's kind of travel. It is not productive travel. It is staring at a road, often times in bad weather kind of travel. Without a decent radio station.

Plus the other stuff, salary vs. cost of living, etc, etc.

I am going to apply. But I have some thinking to do.

In fact, I um, decided that I am going to talk to Former-Soon-to-be-Current Thesis Advisor #1 about this. Hear me out. FSTBCTA1 is excellent at networking and has particular interests with scholars working in the public sector. This is exactly what drew me to this particular graduate program and to this particular job opportunity. He can help me look at this potential job within the frame of the big picture. If a couple of years (but no more, ugh) of travel (and networking) means setting myself up for some great opportunities in the future, it might be worth lugging around a binder of CDs, investing in some snow tires, and hitting the road.

Of course, I might not even get an interview, and all this scheming and plotting will mean nothing. Whatever.

++++

My car is sucking my bank account dry.

Fucking cars.

Between the 60K-mile maintenance work, worn break pads, a faulty visor (Honda paid 99% of that one!), and a mirror broken by a TUMBLEWEED, I've put damn near $800 into this car over the past three months.

I woke up this morning from a dream where I was talking to my mechanic and he told me the funny noise was my breaks. That dream played out in real life about an hour ago. I am psychic! Move over, Allison Dubois!

++++

PUBLIC TRANSIT, NOW!!!!

++++

One of the few things A. and I genuinely disagree on is public transit. It kind of breaks my heart. Plus, I AM RIGHT.

++++

* Can anyone guess the artist of the song with this lyric? Hooo boy, that song brings back memories.

Happy Tuesday to you!

Friday Five

2009-10-09T13:49:00.000-06:00

1. Someone tied up their two dogs to a tree next to my office for over three hours. The young dog, still a puppy, barked the ENTIRE time. I finally went out there to make sure the dog was okay. She was; she just was stressed out that her owner was gone.

I left a note to let the owner know the dog wasn't handling being separated very well and was barking incessantly. I was trying to be diplomatic. Personally, I was am kind of concerned that they left their dogs there at all. I get that things are laid back here, but those dogs were clearly lonely. What if someone gets tired of the barking and goes out there and smacks her? Leaving your dogs unattended means they can get treated in any number of ways by any stranger that passes by. I am not okay with that.

I left my name and number on the note. (I hate when people leave anonymous notes. It seems so chickenshit.) I haven't heard anything. I wouldn't imagine I would get yelled at for having pet their dogs. They left them tied up in a very busy, public place, unattended for three hours. But you never know.

I wasn't too worried that the owner would beat the dog for barking. Both dogs were happy and carefree; neither of them showed any shyness or hesitancy toward me when I walked up to them and pet them. I really don't think the dogs are being beat. I just think the little one has some separation anxiety issues. Unfortunately, those issues make her very, very loud. This is a campus; someone is going to get fed up and call Animal Control.

Would you have left a note?

2. We are supposed to get about six inches of SNOW today/tonight and it is supposed to drop down to SINGLE DIGITS tonight. This is going to be one helluva long winter.

3. I have decided to apply for the job. I am meeting the person currently in the position for a drink this weekend to discuss the position and the organization. I am having some issues with this, but that is another post for another blog.

4. A. came home after four days of hunting (well, one day of hunting and three days of hanging out at his mom's wondering if the snow was going to break so he could continue hunting). One of the three fellas in his hunting party got his first bull elk.

It has snowed all week in his hunting area and he is losing hope that they will be able to get back in to the back country before the season closes. If we move from Wyoming this will be his last chance to hunt in this area, and it is his favorite area bar none.

I hope the storms break for a bit.

I was still anxious as he left for his trip, but much, much less so than normal. Yay, for modern chemistry and mood-altering drugs! Oh, and therapy, too.

5. To remove my make up at night, I have started using straight up olive oil. It is awesome and I can't recommend it enough. There! My secret is out. Do you have any strange/brilliant/unusual beauty routines or tips?

Tumbleweeds

2009-10-01T12:58:00.000-06:00

I am still fighting this cold. This is getting ridiculous. I've taken to shaking my fist -- clenching the latest tissue to meet my snot-filled nose -- at the sky in total despair. I feel fine, but I am still snotty and have a bit of a cough. Today dawned an interesting (and gross) new symptom: I am so stuffed up I cannot blow my nose and yet it runs continuously. I basically have a tissue stuck up my nose at all times to keep this under control. Gross.

I am back at work, as I don't think I am still contagious, but who the hell knows. I wash my hands constantly, taking great pains not to touch any goddamn surface with my hands on the way to the sink in an effort to be a courteous walking petri dish and have gone through nearly an entire bottle of hand sanitizer. I am ANNOYED.

I should just be grateful I have paid sick time, understanding co-workers who prefer I stay home rather than spread the ick around, and that this wasn't any kind of flu, swine or otherwise. Feel free to kick me in the butt.

++++

A few days ago it was HOT outside, in the 80s. (That is pretty toasty at 7,200 feet.) That weather is gone. The wind has taken to destroying our world and will once again. The wind is holding steady at 40 mph, with 50 mph gusts. It is barely in the 30s. *whimper*

Yesterday, A. was travelling back home from Fort Collins, CO, when a tumbleweed THE HEIGHT OF THE CAR came crashing into the car on the highway. It was considerably windier yesterday, with gusts well past 60 mph. Thankfully, A. didn't swerve or get all tangled in the damn weed. However. IT BROKE THE DRIVER-SIDE MIRROR. The mirror is totally cracked.

Yeah. A tumbleweed.

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Er, a job I have been pining after for a few years is opening up in December. In many important ways, I am totally qualified and would excel in this position. It would be a challenge and I would love it. However, I don't have experience in some other important areas, so I might be wasting my time. Do I apply? Also, it is non-profit (of course!) and is sure to be a daunting workload.

Have I just jinxed this by writing about it? Gah.

Thoughts?

3 Boxes

2009-09-28T08:21:00.000-06:00

Folks, I have gone through three boxes of Kleenex in the past five days. That means, I have blown my nose at least 810 times.

However! I don't look like Rudolph! I found a miracle. Eucerin's Aquaphor Healing Ointment. I know it probably is just fancy (expensive) petroleum jelly, but damn, it works. My pores look a poorly thought out polka dot pattern, but whatever. I have not whimpered 810 times.

I am still congested ( after Five! Days!) and have a nasty cough. I am going to guzzle some cough syrup (not enough to really have fun, alas) and try to go to work. I feel up to it, I just hate going to work as a 5'2" petri dish. Hopefully I am not contagious anymore.

Are you bored yet?

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While laid up, I finally saw Grey's Anatomy for the first time ever. Yep. I am totally sucked in and have some updating to do to my Netflix queue.

What is in your queue?